Marathons make me teary

I woke up this morning to go watch my friend Nikki run her fourth marathon. It was a beautiful fall morning... cool in the shade and warm in the sun. I stood on 1st Ave. at 102 Street awaiting her arrival. She would be wearing a bright orange tank top with black on the bottom. She had already done the math for me of where she would be at each mile marker. So I stood and watched. I watched all the people who were running: People with different body types, skin colors, nationalities, some who didn't even have access to their legs, young and old. It was a sea of people running together... seemingly so different.

It always brings tears to my eyes to watch the determination in their eyes, late in the marathon. I began watching at mile 18.5. Some people by this point were walking, some stopped and walked off 1st Ave., but most just kept running. And I thought of the reasons these people were running. How many of them just wanted to prove to themselves that they could do it?

At one point I over heard a young girl telling an older man that he "looked strong". She was running beside him and sounding as convincing as ever. I had seen the older man's face. He looked exhausted to me... but she reassured the both of us. I don't know if she knew the guy, but I do know she was giving needed support. I felt lucky to have over heard the exchange.

Lately I've been feeling a little unhappy.

There's a great gigantic poster in Columbus Circle. It's this older man running a marathon, and it reads "The Race ends, The road never does."

So I reassure myself... because like each person who runs a marathon... the power to cross the finish line is inside us. We can't always predict what condition we'll be in when we get there.

Happiness is not a finish line. I keep exploring. I keep getting older. And hopefully I get a little wiser as well.

End of All Things: a music video

Some time in the middle of the summer I got inspired to film another music video. I was walking in Central Park listening to the Egyptian remix of a Britney Spears song "Gimme More." (Sadly that is not one of the gayest things I have ever said.) The song was both sexy and haunting. Sadly Ms. Spears' own video for Gimme More, the song that was about to inspire my next few months, debuted on an album called "Blackout" where I'm quite sure she spent most of her time blacked out. Therefore her video was dare I say lack luster.

As I walked through the park I began to think of the evolution of humanity over the past 100 years... and how "far" we've come. "Give me more. Give me more." played over and over in my head. I thought about how dangerous human beings can be and how rarely our appetites are ever really satiated. After all: to be human is to constantly feel the need for expandtion. If you disagree, ask yourself why happiness isn't constant.

I started to think of the next hundred years. Where would we be?

I began to conceptualize a music video.

The original premise was that technology and our advancements go so beyond us in the future that we lose that which makes us human. We evolve into something "greater" than human. Almost Godly. Technology makes things so readily available to us now... can you imagine what will be readily available to us in the future? If and when everything we ever wanted is a click away... won't something inside us inevitably die? In a sense, wouldn't our soul cease to exist? I thought this was something worth examining.

Realizing I do not have the Copywright for the Britney Spears song, I decided to take it a step further and enlist my very talented friend Will Pailen to write and produce a song based on this premise. Will was totally on board. Over the phone I described everything I just wrote and more. I explained how the theme is the death of humanity but that somewhere there is still hope. Will would later come back to me with the hook of the song... a hook that was EXTREMELY catchy and one in which I quickly fell in love with.

"It's at the end of all things now.
Now is the end of all things,
Here at the end of all things, now
And we're starting to feel it.
But at the end of all things,
It starts a new beginning.
Here at the end of all things now,
We can lift up off the ground."

It was and is brilliant.

I loved the idea that the end of one cycle begins another. And slowly the concept of the video shifted to a  celebration of the human spirit and the cycle that one human spirit can go through.

It is our ability to love that makes us godly. End of all things is a music video about the depth of the human heart and the ability it has to transform us.

Thank you: Will Pailen for writing an awesome song. Colleen Katana for being so beautiful and jumping on board to do an overnight shoot which lasted until 9 am!!!!! Brian Kainowski for not only being an awesome assistant director but for lending your shoulder in rough times. Tiffany Garlick for making Colleen even more beautiful with your paint. And Tony and Jeremy for letting me steal lighting equipment and smoke machines from the bar!!!

Months ago, before the song was even written, I edited a few promos together to get some "hype" going. (You can check them out on my facebook page) One of the promos ends with "Legends are made of this stuff." 

And when it comes down to it, love is the only force that makes Legends worth passing along.

Bad Haircuts and hope

Don't think I don't think this is funny!!! 


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So a few days ago I decided on my day off to do something different with my facial hair... facial hair that has taken me a long time to perfect. But I thought what the heck it's time for a change. A nice haircut would help "sharpen" the look also. So I went to my favorite barber who I have been going to for years now and asked to cut it a little shorter on top. As a side note: I have given my barber so many challenges on re-inventing the fade and mohawk, I've lost count. And he usually pulls through victorious. So I tip him like a rock star. But this past Monday He cut the fade a little un-even and for the first time in 5 years I went back and had him perfect it a bit. He of course was happy to oblige. Later on I realized that the top was too long. I didn't want to bother him so I decided to get the clippers out and do it myself. BIG MISTAKE.

Long story short:

It's going to be a say something hat kind of month for me. And every time I get a look at myself in the mirror IT CRACKS ME UP!

I was reading the Artists Way last night because I felt so lousy and it talked about not listening to your inner critic. Well right now my inner critic has got his finger pointed at me laughing his head off at how dumb I look (literally like Jim Carry from "Dumb and Dumber"). Every time I get a glimpse of myself I am extremely aware of all of this. And I can only hope that this is one big challenge to tune that voice out. So I thought I'd laugh it off and invite every one else to do the same.

Here's hoping!

A nightmare

About three years ago I had the worst nightmare of my life.

It all began when a good friend of mine was reading "The Secret". His world was changing right before his very eyes just by changing his perspective. I watched things change for him. As a matter of fact he started a "vision board" with a photograph of an actor he admired and less than three months later he was playing a role that the actor made famous. I witnessed the miracle and therefore decided to begin reading "The Secret".


At first, it seemed repetitive. It explained the law of attraction over and over. You get what you give. Such a simple concept. And so I slowly read on putting the book down here and there.

I'll never forget the night I didn't put the small book down. I was laying in bed feeling relaxed when something in me clicked. What I was reading made sense. It was as if the repetitiveness was a necessary tool in cracking though the walls I had built around my sense of worth. Possibly for the first time I let myself dream and believe I could in fact be whatever I wanted to be, do what ever I wanted to do, love who ever I wanted to love; as if I was a forgotten god who realized what he actually was. It was with out a doubt one of the most peaceful moments in my life. It literally felt as if I had unlocked a door inside myself that released endorphins throughout my body. My body, my mind, and my soul were all telling me "Go for it". And I believed them. I fell asleep in what could only be described as "THE MOST ZEN" state I've ever been in.

I awoke in the middle of the night from the worst nightmare of my ENTIRE LIFE.

The nightmare:

I am sitting in the passenger seat of my brother's old pick up truck. A professor of mine from college is driving. We are on the street where I grew up. It is night time. As we approach my house I notice that the neighborhood is still and silent. As I look around and as we get closer and closer I realize there are no lights on. We are two houses away from mine when I see four figures out in front of my mom's house standing in the street. I try to squint to make out who they are. I sense danger. We are now very close and I can see even in the darkness that the figures are unlike anything I have ever seen. They are shadows. And I can feel the hostility in a way that words could never express. I remember thinking in the dream, "HOLY SHIT...What the fuck are those things? They are going to kill me!" I scream out to my professor to "BACK UP". He seems confused, almost as if he can not quite make out the figures himself. He slows down a bit as I continue to scream. This all happens very fast. As we arrive to my mom's house we are now directly in front of the figures. Do you remember the bad guy in Terminator 2 and how he was like this liquid shape shifting thing? Well these shadows were like that BUT DARK and they jumped on the hood of the truck and violently began pounding on the truck with the force of a bulldozer. One of them broke through the windshield and as he began pouring himself into the truck to kill me I woke up.

When I woke up, I felt as though I had just stared evil in the face and lived to tell about it. It was so scary and so real. I have had a lot of nightmares in my life and a lot of dreams in my life. There are two dreams that feel as though they have transported me to another place  and this was the first nightmare that felt that way.

It was so weird to me that I had gone to sleep just a few hours prior to this, in what was the most peaceful state I had ever experienced.

So every once in a while I asked people what they made of all this. I've gotten interpretations ranging from "It was the Devil challenging you" to "It's the duality of the universe. When you let so much good in, it leaves room for the bad" to "Shadows represent the unknown" to "Your ego was fighting for it's life". All of these made sense.

So three years later I am researching it. And this is what I found on the internet at the first sight I looked up.

To see you own shadow in your dream, signifies an aspect of yourself which you have not acknowledged or recognized. It may be a quality about yourself or a part of you that you are rejecting or want to keep hidden. These qualities may not necessary be negative, but can be creative ones. Alternatively, the dream may mean that you are in someone else's shadow. You are constantly being overlooked and are fed up with it.  

To see a shadowy figure in your dream, represents characteristics which you have not acknowledged or incorporated into your own personality. Alternatively, it symbolizes the young, the helpless or the under-developed.

Three years later I am still wondering. Maybe it's because I spent 29 years trying to figure myself out and I'm still not sure who I am. You find something, or some one you love, and then things change. You change. You get inspired and then uninspired.

Today I am uninspired.

Worth fighting for

Monday night I drank a bottle of wine. I caught up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while and ended up going to bed some time around midnight. I woke up at 5 am, put on a pot of black coffee, finished a blog I began the day before, and got ready to head upstate to visit my family.

I surprised my mom by arriving so early. It was a great feeling.

My nephew arrived shortly after I did. I got to show him and my sister in law a short funny video I made about my summer vacation. Both of them were in the video. Both loved it.

And so my day with Wyatt began. With little sleep, I was determined to keep my energy high all day. So we began by playing with foam numchucks. I asked if he wanted to fight as I swung them around frivolously. Being the "lover" that he is, he was hesitant at first but caught on real quick. We brought our combat outside where we took turns being the attacker and the attackED... Only to make it more interesting I decided to jump on his tiny plastic tricycle bike thing (the name of vehicle escapes me... and it's a miracle I could even fit any way) and ride speeding down the sidewalk as he swung the nunchucks my way. It was hilarious. Once that began to tire us out, and by us I mean me, we decided to head inside where my mom was cooking us breakfast.

Wyatt volunteered the information that green grapes are his favorite grapes and so he began to eat a bundle which I washed for him. By the time he was through he complained that his belly hurt. So I rubbed my hands vehemently together (Mr. Miagi, from the Karate Kid, style) and placed them on his stomach to heal the discomfort. When I finished, I asked "All better? "With a smirk he walked back to his chair, looked me dead in the eyes, and implored, " Are you crazy?!" This sent me into a fit of laughter to which he interrupted, "NO! Are you crazy?!" The harder I laughed the more he would ask. The funny thing for me is that I know that was all my brother Scott's dry sense of humor shining through my little nephew. Wyatt knew it too. He would join in on the uproarious laughter in between each interrogation.

After breakfast, we joined up with more family and friends and went Apple picking on a farm that is fifteen minutes away from my house. Surprisingly, I've never been there before. If I have, I don't remember it.

We arrived on this farm mid morning. It resided on top of an enormous hill which overlooked the rest of the valley. There was a thick fog the likes of which you would expect in "Sleepy Hollow". The sun was doing it's best to shine through and uncover the spectacular scene being held captive behind. It was both eery and breathtaking at the same time; a scene not short of what the best dreams are made out of.

After getting out of the car, activity one was walking over to pet the horse. You know I've never been horse back riding nor have I ever really payed attention to the majestic beauty of a horse. It might as well have been a unicorn I was petting the way I was in such awe.

Then we moved onto this little Village that was built for all the children to play in. It was so cute. The only problem was that apparently a bus had just let out a hoard of screaming children of all ages. And they were racing around every where. Thankfully Wyatt was more interested in apple picking anyway.

So we began picking apples. The orchard consisted of rows and rows of trees and too many incarnations of apples to count. I felt like I was in a story book. I was very calculated on which apples to choose until I realized I was being eaten alive by mosquitos. At that point it was a free for all. "Grab any apple to fill the damn bag."

Afterwards we sat and ate homemade doughnuts and drank fresh apple cider looking out over the orchard. It was very peaceful. I became tired and ready for a nap.

So when we got home Wyatt and I put on some cartoons and laid down to take a nap. I was the only one who fell asleep. Every once in a while I would look down at Wyatt who was sprawled out on the T.V. room floor to see if he had shut his eyes yet. Never happened. Finally after letting his uncle sleep for an hour he got up and gently whispered in my ear, "Uncle Frank. I'm just not tired."I was so touched that he had let me sleep for so long. At the same time I WAS STILL SO TIRED. I knew what I had to do. "GET UP!" So I put on a pot of coffee and got up.

It was late afternoon by this point and I was fighting to keep my energy high. My mom suggested we all head down to a little park on the river. I thought that was a great idea. So we did.

Once we got to the river I was surprised to be the only people enjoying the breathtaking view and the peace of mind that it offered. The only thing Wyatt wanted to do was through rocks in the river and so we did. I observed how happy it made him throwing each rock, a different size, into the water and watching the ripples that it created. I fought to be equally as happy by each rock I through in. The sun hung low over the river almost ready to set. The light that reflected off of the water was dazzling and hypnotic. My mom sat on a nearby bench and just relaxed with her two little dogs. I thought of what happiness is to me. I thought of what happiness is to Wyatt, my 3 year old nephew.

And so I picked up another rock and threw it into the river.

And then I picked up another rock...

And another...

And another.

A history

I woke up early today got on a train to Long Beach and took my 74 year old Aunt out to a belated birthday lunch. My Aunt Mary is a character; unlike any one I've ever known. She's a combination of Mother Theresa and Samantha from Sex and the City. Generous, open minded, overbearing, over the top; she is a force of nature. I am blessed to have her in my life- a 50 minute train ride away.

We got to talking about my father's (her brother) side of the family. The side that encompasses my Italian Herritage. My dad passed away when I was a teenager. While I knew each of my 7.... Yes 7 Uncles and Aunts (5 uncles and 2 aunts) I didn't know them well. My grandfather died before I was ever born. And even though my grandmother lived in a big house adjacent from mine growing up, she spoke little English and died when I was very young.

Anyway I was telling my Aunt the few details I remember about grandma. I remember butterscotch candies and unwrapping them and the big dimly lit house where she lived. I remember liking this place. I was probably about 2 or 3.

I got into asking about my grandfather. Here I am 29 years old finally interested in my family's story.

My grandfather Gaetano moved to Brooklyn NY when he was about 17. At the time, I'm told, the Mafia was very present. My grandfather hated it. So he migrated along the river and settled in the Hudson Valley. It reminded him of where he grew up in a town called San Josepi, Italy (I believe). My aunt has been there and says the two places resemble each other with their rolling mountains and close proximity to the water. And so it was there that he found his new home. He began selling produce right out of his truck which afforded him the opportunity to travel back to Italy where he met his future wife Brigeda. My grandfathers brother who was a priest married the two. It was an intimate ceremony.



At about my age now, 29, my gradfather brought his wife back to the states. He opened his own grocery store in Beacon NY, the town in which I grew up. The store thrived. My grandmother had her first child who months after being born died of pneumonia. It was a terrible time for her, as you would imagine. She had multiple miscarriages and while visiting the local doctor she was told she would no longer be able to conceive. Grandpa did not accept this. He brought her to a specialist down in NYC. The specialist explained that stress was the problem. My grandmother was depressed and missed Italy terribly. She miraculously became pregnant and as soon as her first daughter Fortuna was born, she went back to visit. The English translation of her first daughter's name is fortunate. This is so beautiful to me. And so when she arrived back in the States she was renewed and both her and my grandfather opened a baby making factory. When all was said and done, the couple raised and sent seven children to college. That's right. The immigrant couple who spoke so little English sent seven children through college. I am amazed at this.
This is perhaps information my father has relayed when I was a teen half listening. But now that I'm focused on my path to self discovery, I am fascinated by all the details. I asked her so many specific questions about her specific memories and I was super invested in hearing all of the answers.
Today is the first time I'm experiencing a certain pride in my roots.

I look at my grandfather, a man I never met, who I am indebted to for my whole existence, and I am in awe. It gives me so much hope to know that in my blood exists that kind of drive and tenacity. Today I found a greater piece of my identity by finding out the identity of some one who's path I never crossed.

We found love in a hopeless place

I can't help the fact that I love pop music so much... especially my pop diva's. I try to be cool about it but new music just makes my blood pulse faster; makes me feel more alive.

Rihanna's new single "We found love". My dj friend Calvin introduced me to this song. Happy and fresh.

Anyway I listen to this song and reflect.

I recently got the chance to talk to to some one as introspective as I am who reminded me that "listening to your inner voice is the greatest vessel in providing grace, peace, and harmony." These days I find myself on very exciting terrain: exploring all my talents and running as far as possible with them clenched in my hands. It's easy to get lost. As a matter of fact I feel more lost than found lately. And I think it's beautiful. It's forcing me to ask so many questions. I'm changing and I can feel it. Two years ago... I was in love with a wonderful person.... and it was "enough". Though in the back of my mind I knew that I was not the person who I needed to be. I knew this deep down because any time people would ask me about me as an actor or as an artist in general I would get angry inside. I had turned my back on the creator inside of me and I was okay with it for a while, until I wasn't.

So here I am lost and kind of loving it. For the first time the relationship I'm in is with myself. And I listen to this song:


What it takes to come alive

It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny
But I’ve gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

Shine a light through an open door
Love and life I will divide
Turn away cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind......

So over the past year and half I've been figuring out how to love me best. I found love in a hopeless place.

In a year and half this is where my "Self Love Journey" took me... And to any one who knows me out there... I already know you're wondering how I could love myself ANY MORE!!!! haha.

Side note: This photo I love and add to this post. It was taken by my friends Lloyd and Gaston who were celebrating their 23rd anniversary at Xes last night. But this photo reminds me of Edvard Munch's "the Scream". It is a perfect reference for this. 

Find something you love


Step one: Search. It was the beginning of the summer of 2010. I was recently single. I had just spent half a year rehabilitating my arm after and injury at the gym. I was back in shape. And once again... lost. I remember being on the phone with my mom and recognizing that I needed to do something DIFFERENT.... anything! I didn't feel the need to walk in any given direction and was waiting for a sign. And my mom said to me "You know sometimes you don't know which way to go, you just have to take a step." So directly after the phone call I wrote an email to one of my favorite photographers Rick Day. I told him how much I admired his work and asked if it would be possible to come "intern" maybe twice a week with him and his assistant Steve. Rick got back to me that day and welcomed me to the team. As I read his response to my email, I was scared immediately. I knew this was good! So for 6 months, I would work Sunday night at my bar until 4am, wake up early Monday and go all the way downtown to Rick's studio. I got to meet very interesting people: models, make up artists, stylists, other photographers and artists, producers, and I witnessed how passionate these people were about what they did. While I began to realize photography was not my passion, I got high off of everyone else. I think it was the first time I could feel myself changing. I knew photography was not "my thing" though.


Step Two: Take another step. So as my passion for working with Rick was fading and I could feel myself getting tired of waking up early and heading downtown, I was offered the opportunity to work back stage on an off-broadway show. So I took it. I hated it immediately... but the bonus was that I was working with extremely talented people. So while I really dis-liked all the hard work that went into setting up and striking a show I was around inspiring people who constantly inspired me. 


Step Three: Listen to your inner voice. In December of 2010, I had explored two jobs that were outside my comfort zone. I was proud of myself. I had a growing desire to acquire music. I think music at this time for me was my high. I thought it would be fun to start making my own music videos. Simultaneously my boss was looking for a way to re vamp the bar I work. New Years Eve was a great night for me. I was with my co workers WORKING, not a care in the world. Being silly as ever. The door guy Luis had bought a high power flashlight that had the setting to strobe also. I thought it was so cool.I kept stealing it from him and dancing around the bar when I was supposed to be pouring drinks. The customers loved it. It was so "gay". If I could take that energy and channel it into Saturday nights.... it was sure to be a success. Let's give the bar a facelift and do something fun and different I thought. So I designed a party called "Strobe". My first music video was a promotion with the staff that I posted all over facebook. That was the first video I ever did AND I LOVED IT! I remember finishing it sometime in January at the bar and jumping up and going crazy like a little kid. By the time "Strobe" premiered at Xes in March of 2011. I had completed 4 original music videos to pop songs for use at Xes. I had posted 6 Strobe promotional videos via facebook tagging ALL of my friends.... once with a rude response asking never to be tagged again. I had repainted the inside of the bar, restrung lights, built curtain paneling to separate the space, hung lanterns, and strobe lights. I was proud of myself. 


Step Four: When you're onto something don't let go. 
The...... let's call it "up keep" for a Saturday night party is a lot of work. And so while my desire to keep promoting and expending energy on "Strobe" faded.... my desire to create music videos persisted.... in waves. I was at a low point one Saturday and some one asked me how I was and I said "Miserable." They explained to me how they write every morning upon waking. I incorporated this philosophy the very next day. And within 24 hours my perspective changed. By waking up and writing I was able to vent, analyze, and pray at the same time. It was the first time the past year had suddenly made a lot of sense and I was very quickly becoming very grateful for all of it. I began making music videos again.... that were better. That people really responded to. I decided to start a business. I decided to write a book. I began blogging. For the first time in a long time I began making hangable art. I began connecting with very talented people...one who is a song writer who's music video I am premiering next month. 


Step Five: Accept where you are and make lemonade. 
With all of this creative energy swirling about me, sometimes I get lost. I feel very different. Once a hopeless romantic searching for love, it's very rare these days that I'm even impressed  when going on a date with some one. Part of me is saddened by this and feels dare I say "jaded". The thought of being a 29 year old jaded human being kills me. But then I take a step back a realize... this is a different space for me.... one where I have the room to explore the most important person in my life- me. And so while that is not always easy for me, I have come to accept and appreciate that these days my heart is in the fridge. I suspect that one hot day (this is all a metaphor------ stay with me) i will be in the mood to open that fridge and crack it open. And the timing will be right. As for now I am content to be selfish. 


Step six: Why there are six steps I don't know. I'm Frank Boccia and that's as high as I counted today. You might have more or less. But the most important step of all in "finding love in a hopeless place"......................


Give yourself credit.

Oh the rain.

I'm not a fan of the rain, except in the summer when it's super hot. I used to say I have S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder). Now I chalk it up to being sensitive.

So much of my free time this week has been spent being creative. The only downside to doing a lot of filming and editing is that I begin to feel like a recluse. I missed a friend's fringe show... feel guilty about that. Thought it would be fun to go out for drinks after work tonight but even that doesn't seem like much fun given the weather.

It's funny how creating art can be so fulfilling and lonely at the same time.

And that my friends is the mystery of the universe.

In an earlier post... I discussed a week in which I experienced a similar funk. I kept searching for an escape. I learned that sometimes you don't know what's going to revive you and so you just "keep going".

So today, in the middle of editing, during a rain storm, I just keep going.

In 24 hours.

I was on a train yesterday at 8:00 pm. And I was thinking about the previous 24 hours and all that I got accomplished.

In 24 hours:

I had started AND FINISHED editing a video for my family about my summer vacation.
I slept 4 hours.
Woke up at 6:30 am.
Went to the bottom of Manhattan to begin filming a documentary about my friend who has a fascinating and inspiring story.
WORKED OUT HARD 45 minutes.
Had a photo shoot where I had charcoal and water splashed over me.
Got on a train to Brewster New York.
Caught up with my best friend from high school and got to see her beautiful house.
AND had a home cooked meal prepared for me! (It was amazing.)

That brought me full circle to being on the train back to New York City at 8pm. I arrived back to my apartment around 9 pm, ordered sushi, and just lounged on my couch for a bit before I retired to bed early... in my world.

I feel so grateful for making such great use of my time. I don't get the opportunity to do this always. As a matter of fact, the previous 24 hours to this story were great also.

On Monday I shot some extra scenes for the music video I have been working the past two months. And I caught up with another great friend (the star of the video) who ASKED ME TO BE HER MAN OF HONOR at her wedding!

Colleen, I am so honored that you have asked me to be such an important part of your special celebration. You and I have gone through a lot together. I'll never forget your words to me when I was learning some of the hardest lessons:

"In the depths of winter, I found there was in me and invincible summer."

To anyone reading out there, taking precious time out of your day... which sometimes can feel so brief.... as if there are not enough hours, minutes, even seconds encompassed within one: There is "an invincible summer" within all of us. It is not easy to find. It is not a destination place. But it is certainly a place worth searching for.

My body.

There was a time when working out and being in shape "filled" me with a euphoric happiness that was similar to a meditation. I'm told that when you work out, your body releases endorphins that are a chemical that literally make you happy. The gym used to make me very happy. What happens though, when you find your body not responding to working out the same that it used to... I'm not as strong as I once was. I don't have the energy that I once had. I'm not as fast and I'm definitely not as happy to be at the gym. Is my body saying something to me? And perhaps I'm just not listening?

I hurt my back yesterday working out. I thought I was doing the exercises properly but this is the SECOND TIME in 6 months that I have injured myself like this. It's funny how you get used to a certain high that you classify as healthy: a gym high. And then when you find it hard to attain this high again, you meaning ME; I get so ANGRY. 

I'm quite sure that things happen for a reason and that the universe just works. So I have listened to all the good advice on getting well coming mostly from my dancer friend Ian. And I will let myself stay away from free weights until it is safe. haha. There are times that I really feel like an old man and it's so embarrassing at 29 years old to feel this way. But then I think of the rigorous exercise I have put this body through over the years and it's no wonder that it is begging for a break. 

My guess is that sometimes our bodies, our minds, and our hearts scream out for a break, a breathe of fresh air, a moment to relax and just exist and appreciate all that is around. And when we don't listen they make themselves heard. 

A place where we relax our minds, our hearts, and our bodies... is magic.

And this is me waiting.

So I promised myself I would work on my video all afternoon. It takes time for the rendering to complete so it all has to be done in intervals. So I watched the finale of True Blood between one interval. It was very good. I almost produced a tear which was unexpected! Well done writers and actors. Worked on the video some more and then cooked breakfast. Why is it that I can not cook eggs over easy PROPERLY to save my life? I think it has happened twice in three years that I've been cooking my eggs this way where they come out perfect. 

They say practice makes perfect. Evidently this is not the case for me. 

This is me trying to wake up

I had a nice day yesterday that ended with red wine and junk food at a party my roomate was throwing in our apartment. Good times.

It was so hard for me to wake up today. I'm assuming it's in part due to the sugar that was coursing through my veins twelve hours ago which made my body crash hard. It's also probably because the weather coming into my room via my window is perfect right now. This is a beautiful early fall-ish day. NONE THE LESS. I laid there trying to will myself to get up. Coffee is helping me. 

I need to get some more editing done. After I watch the True Blood Finale! This Blog SUCKED. haha.

Shout it out!

Yesterday I had an audition for some Discovery Channel show called "Facing Trauma." It was early in the morning... which for a bar tender was 1 in the afternoon. Thankfully my friend called me before hand to wake me or I would've forgotten about it. Anyway I rushed to the audition a bit groggy from the previous night out. I had to reenact a scene from real life of a young guy who goes psycho and kills his wife. My job during the audition was to scream and be as violent as possible. Unscripted. In other words I had to go from 0 to 60 quick. I had to get dark. And it was a girl who was auditioning me. She was like " Just curse and say whatever you want." I asked if it was okay not to look at her while during this (as she was off camera anyway). She was so sweet. I couldn't see screaming the things I was about to say directly to her face...

This audition came at the end of a weird week of feeling not grounded. It was as if I didn't quite know what I wanted or needed the whole week. I thought working out would help. I thought sleep would help. I thought being artistic would help. I thought sex would help. I thought walking through the park would help. And then I got to this audition and "let it rip". I just started screaming. Screaming at the top of my lungs. I said awful things. Let the veins in my neck pop. And then the audition was over. And I walked out of the building to a beautiful day. I decided to walk home from midtown to Central Park North.

Along the way I listened to Leona Lewis Collide on repeat. "When your in unfamiliar places, count on me through life's changes." With every step I felt better and better. I think by screaming I released all the built up pressure I put on myself to "be something... "

And that's life I guess. There's gonna be bad days and good days. Weird days and then days of clarity. It's a ride and there is no right or wrong. The best you can do is keep trucking on. Don't stop exploring.

Beacsue sometimes your release comes from something you never would've expected.

Sometimes you score when you don't score.

I'm back in NYC.

I got back from Long Beach Island on Saturday from what might have been one of the most relaxing vacations I have ever been on. I was even excited to come back to NY, to my home, my friends, even the bar where I work.

That lasted for about a day. It feels as though the rain brought the reality with it... the reality that that euphoric feeling doesn't last forever.

The past 48 hours have been for me a roller coaster of highs and lows.

One of the highs involved my friend introducing me to Wix Lounge.... this place where creative people hang out to work on projects. We went together and called it our "office". It filled me with a sense of purpose and got me out of my apartment in that torrential rain storm we had yesterday. I also had a great work out... which always helps to elevate my moods. This was not the case Monday. Monday I had an awful work out and then got called into work on account of my co worker being sick. This brought with it a cloud that hung thick over my head until I literally rounded the corner two hours  prior to work and bumped into an old "friend". By old "friend" I mean some one I have hooked up with before. Therefore I offered to take them to dinner before I started. It was pleasant. The cloud began to dissipate. I thought I was going to get laid. Nope. The Cloud reformed... this time with a banner that read "Loser."

So I let myself feel like a Loser. After all, if no one ever felt like they were losing maybe no one would ever push themselves to win.

I have to work all night tonight but I thought I'd lounge around my apt. since it's so gross outside. I watched one of my favorite movies "Gattaca." The premise is that sometimes you are born with all odds against you and you still win. The inverse is true as well. Sometimes you are born with the odds on your side and you still fail because after all... fate is not something that can be predicted. I find myself today feeling somewhere in the middle: I feel like I am blessed with a healthy number of talents and attributes and yet sometimes the desire for the pursuit is not inside me ... certainly not today at least.

But then again maybe so many of us feel somewhere "in the middle" of it all. Right around ever corner is an "opportunity". Sometimes things don't go the way we plan. That doesn't mean we are in fact losers. Maybe life is like Cable television. My guess is that there's just a better channel that we need to be watching. Looking for a different kind of opportunity. A different kind of happiness.

But to each his own.

I can hear the bells

About six months ago my mom talked about her annual trip to New Jersey with her girlfriends. She explained how there was a spot opened because Deanna (our neighbor) had the watch her grandchildren the week before labor day. Six months ago I was feeling a bit lost and kind of unhappy. So I quickly processed the possibility of coming on a week vacation to Long Beach Island... A place I knew well every summer from the age of 0 to about 17. With slight hesitation I offered to usurp the available twin bed. I would be sharing a room with my mom's more rambunctious friend who I quite like. Keep in mind I am the youngest of four boys and therefore my mom is approaching seventy years old. I secretly hoped that a "better offer" would come along in the months to follow.

And here I am in New Jersey. As it turns out... No better offer ever came nor could it have been possible because I am so glad I came. This is the better offer. I'm glad I offered to come and based on my moms reaction the moment I volunteered... It was the right decision.

I've been so relaxed since I got here Monday. I was walking on the beach today. The icecream truck stops at all the entrances along the beach and the icecream man walks to the beach and shakes a bell to signify his entrance. Has everyone experienced this joy? I remember how happy it would make me, hearing those bells, as a kid. The thought of Santa brought a similar happiness. I guess the best way to describe the feeling I'm talking about is "magic".

As I walked along the beach on what could easily be described as the most beautiful, weather wise, in history... I started to reminisce on the magic I've experienced in my life... Santa and reindeer on the roof, man hunt ( AS IN HIDE AND GO SEEK) on summer nights with my neighborhood, Roma Nova Pizza on half days of school, sleep overs, second families, comics, Legos, note passing and finding out a girl (haha) liked me back...

Nowadays there is still a lot of greatness in my life but I don't know if it's as magical as it once was.

As a human being, are things supposed to retain their magic? Or are we pushed to find greater levels of magic? Because I know I have found treasures beyond pricing in certain relationships, my family, my nephews and nieces, my friends... But it's a different kind of magic that exists between two people than the kind that exists in a young person soley excited to hear the bells of the appearance of the icecream man.

And I think I'll always search for that kind of happiness. The kind that only a child could appreciate.

Until then I have music, day dreaming, food, wine, and good company to "settle" for. And I'm still grateful.

Sometimes the earth moves to move us.

There was an earthquake in NYC today. I was in the subway on my way downtown. I had no idea it even occurred. It wasn't until I was at the barber at approximately 2 pm that we all heard about it over the radio.  Facebook was a buzz with the news as well.

Later, every one at the bar was talking about this. Some buildings were evacuated, the Holland Tunnel was closed multiple times, and flights were cancelled. Some people explained it as a feeling of vertigo. One of my friends said he wasn't too worried evacuating his building until he saw the high heels scattered down the stairwell.

And this got me to thinking. What if. What if it was worse?

Sometimes bad things happen... even to good people. And when I really sat back and thought of the potential an earthquake could've had on NYC... I was so grateful that it wasn't worse.

I finished work around 10 pm and went to eat a wrap nearby. There were two women chatting about motherhood and the stress of it all. Bu they were doing it in a funny way so I couldn't help but eavesdrop. The one mother was saying "I'm just so tired. I'm not a Robot. They never realized how much I did for them and now I just don't have the energy." The two women were venting in the most lovingly way and laughing here and there about it. And this got me to thinking about children.

Being a dad was always part of my fantasy as a teenager. I loved kids... being that I was the youngest of four boys I never really got to even hold a baby until I was a teenager. And kids have always thought I was funny. So naturally I just always assumed I would want a family one day.

And I'll never forget the whole "coming out of the closet thing" and battling with feelings of being unworthy of having a family. I was lucky to have amazing family, friends, and even faculty during this process. I was in college and I asked one of my professors who I adored (Dawn) if she thought it would be okay to one day bring up a child with another man. And she said of course. I'll never forget what a non- issue it was for her. As a matter of fact her daughter who was just under my age had had a best friend with two dads. It was an important moment in my life where my consciousness began to shift. And I ultimately learned to just love me for me and feel the worthiness of everything I could ever want.

And then I fell in love. And the things that I experienced and endured were beyond what I could've imagined. Falling in love is like holding an extremely powerful mirror up to your soul. You see sides of yourself you never saw before. You learn and with luck you grow and you don't regret a second of it.

And while I was learning about my own love. My brother and his wife were having their very first baby. I'll never forget how beautiful he was when I got to hold him at the hospital. I was so excited to be an uncle. And then reality slowly crept in. The reality that this was a life to be responsible for and to care for. A life that needed to be fed, and held, and loved, that keeps you up all night sometimes. My sister in law "lost" so much sleep. That thought alone terrified me. In babysitting for them, I began to learn a little about the momentous responsibility having a child is. And for the first time I was turned off to the idea.

I was speaking to this same brother a few days ago (it's now five years later and he has three children) and he was telling me about his son learning to ice skate. He was watching him have so much trouble just standing on skates and no matter what he wouldn't give up on trying. No matter what he was determined to skate and by the end of their time at the rink he could skate at a decent speed with out falling. My brother was so proud. And my nephew knew it. It was beautiful.

Also just two weeks ago on my last visit upstate I got to babysit my other brother's son who is three. I took him and my mom to lunch on the river. I colored with him as we ordered food. It was a beautiful day and I had my arm around his chair and I thought to myself, "I bet people think this is my kid." And this thought made me happy.

Anyway what I'm saying is that it was nice to open up to the idea even if it was just for a minute... to realize that maybe there are things worth sacrificing for... not just children.... but relationships.... dreams.... traveling.... Sometimes these things involve sacrifice. And more often than not... the sacrifices are worth it.

Today the earth shook. It shook the city... and it shook me... without me even realizing it.

So now I'm shaking you.

It's just one of 'dem days... x2.

Yesterday I was in a foul mood. It has lasted through today as well. Yesterday I tried to cure myself with chocolate and pizza. Today I tried working out to shake this feeling. And then I walked around alone... brewing in this awful feeling of dissatisfaction. I tried to work on some editing... thinking that some of the best art comes from depression and darkness. Well that didn't work. As a matter of fact it made the feeling worse because I'm completely underwhelmed with how I've edited thus far (the filming is great... it's the editing that is suffocating me.) And final cut is taking it's sweet time rendering my edits. It's driving me bonkers. It makes me want to scream f*ck over and over.

So then I thought I need to rid myself of this negativity. I'll blog about it. I was afraid that ever other word would be the "f bomb." And then what good would venting through cyberspace do in a blog entitled "Frank Boccia and the Search." That wouldn't be fair to place the negativity into the universe for others to absorb. It would only add guilt to this stew of emotion inside me, I thought.

So I put my headphones in my ears... and I rode the subway home. I let the rocking of the subway lull me into a restful state as I listened to the song " I need this." I let it be my prayer. These are the lyrics:

"Stop, where am I?
 Shock, I can't cry
 Pop, I need some space

No, this isn't me
Go, please let me breathe
I'll be back sooner than you know

I need this space
Just like you need it
I need this time
Time to clear up my mind

Wait, did you hear that?
Hear my heart beat
I need this feeling
Whoa yeah, I really need this

Well, I've been blind
I hope I'll be fine
Don't call me back, no

Yes, I see light
Now, it's so bright
Call my name, I'll be there soon

I need this space
Just like you need it
I need this time
Time to clear up my mind

You know it's not personal
Sorry if I'm hurting you
Please don't give up on me now
I needed this time alone
To know I could come back home
To breathe, breathe, breathe"

So I am now home. And I'm left wondering what it is that I really need. I guess that's the thing about self discovery. It's constant. And when you cross a finish line.... there's another one way ahead. 


Just last week I was feeling so grateful for all the new discoveries and passions in my life. And now less than a week later I sit depleted and feeling alone. And I have a funny feeling it's here in this place that I will grow the most. 


So what is it I need? I'm not quite sure but I open my heart in hopes of finding the "answer."

I had a dream

I don't remember a lot of my dreams. But I woke up this morning and I was out of bread and juice. So as I was walking to the grocery store I remembered parts of it.

I had a pet bird. It was bright yellow, cute, and fluffy like a little easter chick... (This reminds me when I was in kindergarden and we used to incubate little chickens. It was so exciting when they hatched.) Anyway I kept the little bird in a "cage" that was a slightly larger version of itself.... accept the larger version looked like a pinata (how do you get the ~ over the n?) Anyway I was worried about the little fluffy yellow birdie living in a slightly larger version of itself. My roommate assured me that he was fine.

Truthfully in this dream I was a little frightened by this delicate little bird (in real life I am not at all afraid of birds or little fluffy animals).... My roommate took him out for a bit and then when it was time to put him back in his home.... I some how felt a new courage to befriend him. So i had him jump on my finger and I gently pet him before I put him back in his "slightly larger version of himself cage" which resided on the top shelf of my closet.

And now in rereading about this simple little dream I'm wondering if there's a parallel to my life here. Perhaps I've been afraid to live in a slightly "larger" version of myself... and maybe... just maybe I'm now cozying up to the idea.

After a night of drinking...

So I went out last night with one of my best friends for a casual night on the town. It's been a while since I drank and therefore my recovery this morning was a slow one. The older I get and the less I drink the more "affected" I become when I drink... I get drunk fast and my hangovers are strong.

I don't really mind this.

I woke up just about every hour to pee and drink and glass of water. My head was pounding all morning. I was grateful that my room was freezing... thank you a.c. When I finally decided I got 8 hours of sleep (just before noon) I popped two Excedrin. I then had a strong cup of coffee and began my resuscitation. I flossed, very carefully brushed my teeth, 'listerined extra long, took an oatmeal bath.... where I saturated my face in oatmeal, had a nice cold glass of water while relaxing in this bath.... listening to "how to love" (by lil wayne) on loop (very chill song), then finished with a cold shower, grabbed an ice cube and rubbed it around my face to tighten my pores and refresh me, then cooked breakfast ( aka 'nuked some oatmeal with berries and drank three egg whites).

All this I did to reboot. It seems like such an extensive process... curing my hangover. I guess it is. Some people might grab some greasy food and call it a day but I secretly love this whole process. Probably because I love resurrection. The idea that you can put yourself through hell and heal. And it's a small miracle. And life is this small miracle... or a big miracle...

I guess what I'm trying to say in being so open about my ritual is: Embrace the small miracles.

I feel happy and relaxed.

Today is Monday August 15, 2011. I had such a busy weekend last week with my video shoot and then this week I worked a good amount. I'm off today and feeling so relaxed and happy. Here's a list of plausible reasons that I'm feeling so good:

3 highly caffeinated cups of coffee are flowing through my blood right now.
I have some beautiful footage that I'm in the midst of editing (slowly but surely).
The girl at the grocery store laughed at my "it's not me... it's you" t- shirt.
I have a fridge stocked full of coke zero.
IT JUST BEGAN TO THUNDERSTORM and I am INSIDE watching!
I am going to make 3 cheese tortellini and meatballs for dinner!!!! YUM! (Thanks Wes for introducing this upgrade from thin spaghetti.... though I love thin spaghetti)
Beyonce was singing "I was here" at the peak of my caffeine high.
My laundry is done.
My apt. is CLEAN.
My room is ORGANIZED and redecorated.
I think I may have learned balance between working out and getting other stuff done.
I made a cool hanging sculpture/ chandelier out of all my old headphones. (Thanks Willie for the idea!)
I get to watch True Blood in a little while.... last weeks episode was EPIC!!!

So I feel good.

And some how feeling this way makes me reflect back on the past... and makes me feel so grateful for the things, people, places, and love I have experienced. I almost feel bad to express my gratitude. But I wish this feeling for every one. And it is very possible for every one to feel this way.

I sit looking out my bedroom window at the terencial rain and the way the sky is so bright even though it's raining. The sun is making every effort to burst through the ominous clouds and is succeeding. It is magic. This moment for me is magic. And I can't help but feel that on some level... in my life... I am succeeding as well.

Nerves are good.

At least that's what I'm telling myself.

In under two weeks I am embarking on my biggest music video project to date. I've enlisted help from some of the most talented people I know. I have Will Pailen writing and singing the music that tells the story of "The End of All Things". He is brilliant.  He has come up with a song that is everything I asked it to be! It's really going to help me tell this story... the premise being this: humanity is so overstimulated by technology, the substances that we ingest, that we have evolved into gods. Unfortunately when this happens, the very thing that makes us human (our soul) is lost... and because we have no soul we have no desire for love... and therefore we slowly die off. This video will depict.... the last man and woman. Colleen Katana (this beautiful multitalented friend of mine.... photographer, writer, actress, singer) will be portraying the last god-woman. She will be fierce. I hired a make up artist who I recently worked with on a shoot. Her name is Tiffany Garlick. I liked her style and the make up she did for the ladies on set was off the hook. So I'm sure she's going to break it down! I knew I'd need extra help for this over night shoot. We'll be doing interior shots from midnight on and then we need to shoot exteriors as the sun is rising. So I've hired one of the most capable people I know.... my friend Brian Kalinowski to be my assistant director. I trust him with my first born, if I had a first born.

So I have been lucky enough to gather a team of really amazing people. This places the rest of it up to me. I guess I am so excited that my nerves are creeping up. There's this feeling of "I don't want to let any body down." So I thought I'd be ballsy and say it out in the universe. "I am scared." I feel like I'm onto something big here. I will also say this out into the universe. "I will not run from this fear." I am forking out a lot of time, energy, and money to create this. And why? The answer is simple. I love this. I have found something I love doing. If no one ever sees the videos or likes the videos " I can live with that." Mostly I don't want to let myself down.

So I will put this out into the universe too. I ask what ever is out there to help me suspend my belief in myself. And remind my heart of all the reasons I'll ever need to keep the faith in me. "I do this because I love it. I love the music. I love telling a story. I love the styling. I love the concept of "living art" through video. LOVE. If I hold onto that feeling. I can not fail. I will not fail."

If I'm gonna be an artist then I'm gonna get messy.

So life has been amazing lately. This is mainly because I have opened up to my potential to create. I feel like I've been ignoring it for a while. It's interesting how energy seems to grab momentum. All this creative energy started in the winter as I bought this new computer in hopes of making "little music videos". I decided to use my first one as a marketing tool for the bar I work Xes. I called this video "Strobe". You can find it on my youtube channel if you haven't seen it already (I tagged about a thousand people via facebook). I WILL NEVER forget the high I experienced when I finished it. I was working on it at the bar with my earphones in for a couple hours sitting ignoring every one around me..... when finally I had it how I wanted. I pressed play which cued my victory dance... a sharp jolting series of movements that resembled some one who was possessed by the devil... or perhaps it was god in this case.

And so slowly but surely I made more videos. And each time I made one they got better. Until after a while I began to get bored again. And I began to feel lost again... until I told some one that was not happy and they encouraged me to write down how I felt. So I began to vent and to pray. And very quickly I became inspired again. Only this time I can't seem to stop finding new and exciting ways to express this creativity. The more time I spend letting myself dream and make things, the more ideas I have. I'm making two genres of music videos.... those that are dark and expressive and those that remind me of how important family and life is. I'm writing a book that at times I find myself laughing out loud at the silly things and ways I write, and just recently I started making collages. This new hobby began because there was a GIANT ORANGE dumpster in between my bedroom window and my view of the park. "What an eye soar" I thought.... for days. Until a few days ago I decided "well at least the color is cool. I'm going to take a picture of it." I began a leisurely walk through the park except I could not stop thinking of the picture I took. So I went back and took more. As I was shooting, I immediately realized I wanted to turn this into art. "How ironic," I thought, "That my perception shifted so dramatically and so quickly." And so that became the subject of this work.

I decided to hang the triptych I made out of the dumpster photos today. I wanted to integrate it seamlessly into the existing art I had hanging on my wall. I couldn't figure out how to do that. "If only I could have as much fun arranging these as I did making this latest work." And then, "Why don't you?" popped into my head. So I grabbed some spray paint and began to spray the walls. What I stupidly did not anticipate was that the paint would circulate through out the room dusting EVERYTHING in it's path. I soon realized that I was spraying my entire world. I frantically grabbed wet rags and began scrubbing as best I could. It was an ARDUOS process. As the sweat poured from my brows, my world was being snowed on by the most electrifying tint of blue... and then I realized, "Let it be." I will be happy to put forth my best efforts to clean what I can of this beautiful mess, inhale these awful fumes.... because I am an artist... and I am ready to open my world up to some mess in the name of art.

Amen.

The past 24 hours...

Yesterday was such a great day for me. I woke up early and got some things I needed to get done DONE. Then at some point in the afternoon... I got an email from my sister-in-law. She asked me to burn her a copy of the music video I made with my nephew (her son) You and I. I was so flattered. She then went on to say the other night as my nephew was getting tucked into bed he said, "Goodnight mom. I love you. Goodnight dad. I love you. And God bless Uncle Frank."

"God bless Uncle Frank."

She went to sleep with a tear in her eye. And I became so inspired. I looked at how blessed I am with the family I have. I copied her a dvd and then went on to make a video for my brother Mark who lives with his wife and three children in Australia.

Unfortunately I didn't have a lot of up to date video footage of Mark, Kylie, and the kids.... but I had some great vintage footage. And I had lots of great photos at my disposal! So I told a story about love... their love. And at about 2am New York time I Skyped my OTHER sister in law and the kids with the news: I made a video for them!!! They were so excited!
I couldn't believe how glued to the screen they were as they watched... with out a peep. Kylie insisted I call back when Mark came home from work so I could see his reaction. So sure enough... at 5:30am I got a Skype call from my family down under. Mark was home and ready to watch!

My brother's face as he held his daughter (my God daughter) was all the reward I'll ever need. I had hoped to produce a tear. His reaction exceeded my expectations.

I went back to bed feeling... grateful... to have made some kind of impact.

I awoke earlier than usual considering I fell asleep so late. I called my mom right away. For those of you who know my mom, you know that she is a tough cookie in many ways. I told her to watch the video and call me back. To my surprise she could barely speak when she called me back. She said that it was so beautiful she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it all day.

So I've decided to start a business. I want to make videos for special occasions to remind people of how wonderful life is. I'll do weddings, anniversaries, anything that celebrates how special our time here is.

I called a good friend of mine and she gave me some great advice...

So to my Family, the Universe, and any thing and any one out there who has helped me get to where I am at: Thank you so very much...

Getting more out of my days

As a bar tender, working so late, I'm used to waking up... sometime in the afternoon. But I hate that. I always feel like I've wasted the better half of the earth's rotation. So I've been consciously setting an alarm clock and waking up earlier. 

Today it's the middle of the afternoon.... which for me is 3:30pm... and I have already shot part of my next video, written in my journal, went for a walk outside (It's beautiful!), did laundry, cleaned my apt, and wrote an entire chapter for my book... yes book. I'm writing a book... a memoir of all the hilarious, and emotional lessons I have learned and relearned.  

On that note...I'd just like to make a shout out to my friend Derrick. Derrick: THANK YOU for your thoughts on my blogs. Your reaction to what I write has given me that much more confidence in telling my story and achieving my dreams. 

Here's to confidence and dreams people!!!

Finding the Full Potential

It was only five days ago that I found myself admitting to some one that I hated where I was. Upon their recommendation, I started writing three pages of whatever I want in a journal every morning. In the beginning, entries consisted of how tired and uninspired I have felt... But towards the end of each section I found myself praying... for what it is I'm looking for. It began with energy. Then inspiration. Then courage.
And then in the most serendipitous way... I watched the Oprah finale. Oprah spoke about how we are all worthy of greatness. We all desire to be heard... to be validated." The universe speaks to us and it is our job to listen. "

Five days ago I was complaining about all the wasted talent I have. When I was younger, I spent ten years training in Martial Arts. I became a second degree black belt. I got bored with it and "gave it up". Drawing was also my LIFE as were comic books, until I got bored with them. Then in college I drastically changed my focus from ART to ACTING... graduated with a B.F.A. in Performing Arts. Unfortunately, I lost the passion for that as well. In moving to NYC I found work as a bar tender. It was exciting at first. I got to meet and work with people that are now some the the greatest and most influential people in my life. I fell madly in love NOT once but twice.
It's amazing what five days will do for you if you open your ears, your eyes, and your heart and you just listen. I have been blessed in so many ways. All of these passions are gifts that have been given to me. I see that now and I am en route to finding new ways in using them. (Check out my music videos on youtube.)

My hope for any one taking the time to read this is that you too realize that you are blessed and special and capable of accomplishing WHATEVER it is you are called to do... if you just open up and listen.

The explanation of my JUDAS video.

Judas is a song off the new Lady Gaga album: Born This Way. Lyrics to the entire song can be found on Lady Gaga's website Ladygaga.com.

The whole reason I decided to make a Judas video was because it paralleled how I felt about my life. I have been feeling uninspired, unhappy, lethargic, bored, and uncomfortable with just about everything that surrounds me. So I prayed for inspiration... and a few days after I was listening to the lyrics of this song at the gym when I realized it's about betraying yourself. By saying "I'm in love with Judas" you are surrendering to all the negative thoughts that exist within you. You are giving them power and you are letting your ego control your life and the decisions you make. And it was like a huge light bulb!!! That's exactly what I was doing... giving all my negative thoughts and my rather large ego empowerment. Doing this will never serve any one. So I decided to make a change and film a video about this.

The video begins with red lettering (the color of martyrs) which reads "We Betray Ourselves." Because at some point all of us will give into the negative thoughts we have about ourselves. In other words we all make mistakes and no one is capable of perfection. When we let the negative thoughts control us... part of our spirit dies. The God that exists inside each and every one of us dies. Therefore the first image seen is the most powerful iconographic image in Western civilization: The Crucifixion.

Two characters are portrayed in my video: The Christ Character who represents love of self, freedom, and expansion and the Judas character who represents false pride, restriction, and settling. For those of you who do not know Biblical history... Judas is said to have betrayed Jesus when he gave up Jesus' whereabouts to Roman soldiers. He did this because he was afraid for his life probably. And F.Y.I.: Your ego will fight for IT's life. Take note that both characters are portrayed by the same person (me). This is because both characters are the same person. There are always two sides to everything and every one. It's the design of the universe. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

One of the best aspects and most successful visually in the video (for me) is the use of the cape. As anyone knows... the cape is one of the "true" signs of a hero... But I have Judas in a cape... because sometimes our ego tricks us into believing we are something we are not. The second shot in the video is of the cape expanding (there was a fan underneath me). So with the first two images I'm saying that when you surrender to the negative, part of you dies and your ego becomes empowered.

In art, Jesus is most often depicted with a halo around his head which symbolizes his divinity. Therefore the first FRONTAL shot is of the halo leaving Judas' head because here comes the broken record: when we empower the ego we relinquish our divinity- our worth- our potential.

And then the BATTLE ensues. Good vs. evil. You'll notice that all of my dance moves are very combative and punchy. This further pushes the idea of fighting... and luckily it's the only dancing I'm really okay at given my martial arts background. My friend Reggie jokes that I have a signature more: the Fist Pump! Also the struggle to keep the cape on and floating about in a magical way represents the struggle of the ego to stay strong.

All backgrounds that I have used are crosses in one form or another... symbolizing all the crosses that we will bear in life... all the obstacles that we will face. There are shots with chains involved... obviously chains can be responsible for holding us down.

Towards the end of the video there is a focus on my faith tattoo. Immediately after is a profile shot of the Christ character rising up off the ground and reaching towards the light... to reach for control.

In the end, it is up to us to decide our own fate in life. "Do I remain a victim?" or "Am I worthy of greatness?" The video ends with the Christ character OFF the cross, alive, and breathing DEEPLY.

"I am Frank Boccia and I am worthy of greatness."

The Sistine Chapel Comes to Life in Brooklyn

Yesterday I was very very very lucky. I went with my friend Rob to see Sarah Small's "TABLEAU VIVANT of the Delirium Constructions- a live exploration of implausible interaction" at B.A.M..

The experience, and it truly was an experience, has left me with an overall desire to CREATE.

Upon entering what could easily be explained as the quintessential chapel... the "audience" quickly began filling up towards the front. Making my way forward having no idea what to expect.... my vision quickly became unobstructed. There it was. The first comparison in my mind went to Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel... but this turned out to be so much more.

Each and every human body, some clothed and some unclothed (most unclothed) remained posed over miles of drapery, as though waiting to be painted and waiting to come to life. And that's exactly what happened. Atop of this masterpiece a woman who had been still with all the other bodies, wearing a giant Elizabethan looking gown began to sing... something operatic... something beautiful... something quite transcendental giving the setting. After this... a shift in ever one's pose and three more woman began to sing in such a haunting way it gave me goosebumps.

The exact timeline of what happened and when it happened escapes my mind. There was a point when suddenly all of the "performers" stood and faced the audience and began to slowly breathe in and out... with no sound on the exhaled breath.  Just breath. It was at this moment that I could see many of them wiping the tears as they stood into place to face the "audience". The most amazing part for me was when the Elizabethan woman began to sing again in English this time. As she began to sing all the bodies partnered with one another... in the most beautiful poses.... And then I caught the words "only you and me." As I realized what was being sang, wiping the tears from my cheeks and watching what could be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, I realized that two of the couples were holding hands facing each other in non poses. This was because underneath the operatic song... actual wedding vows were being said in one case and renewed in the other... I later found out.

It all concluded with a procession of the bodies; bodies of all shapes, colors, and sizes, into the audience. Most of them were staring into the audience as they processed outward. I was left feeling a part of something bigger and greater than I had expected... as an audience member and as a human being.

Thank you Sarah Small and all who were involved in such an extraordinary work of art and life.

Check out Sarah's website: ContaminateNYC.com

Listen to Your Heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC1uX7esjUA

So here is the link to one of my first videos... Listen to Your Heart. I shot this In February, in Central Park, with my good friend Eric Bourne. Eric is a part of Parsons dance company. He is super talented as well as an all around beautiful person. So I felt very lucky that he was eager to be a part of my first project where I was only behind the camera and not in front.

Drew G is a DJ who has this amazing podcast called Dirty Pop. Check it out on iTunes. I first fell in love with his mixes at David Barton Gym. So I decided to use this particularly amazing portion of one of them where He took the song Listen to Your Heart and added music from the score of TRON by Daft Punk. The music reminds me of a battlefield.

So I started thinking how dramatic the beats were with the reiteration of "Listen to your Heart". It reminded me of the battle inside yourself when you're in love but something inside you has changed or something in the person you're with has changed and you are essentially battling yourself to figure out "Do I stay or do I go?" It's not an easy situation by any means: when two people people love each other and respect each other but have found themselves on different pages. A war begins inside to analyze where it went wrong and what will happen if I let go? What will happen if I stay?

My original idea was to do a video in a blizzard. I thought that would be the perfect backdrop for this tumultuous subject matter. However by the time I was ready to shoot and got Eric on board, the snow which prior had been so abundant, was melting. So another concept began to form in my head. The idea of "The grass is greener on the other side".

The video is obviously  about a battle inside yourself.... there are two sides in the video..... the more muted shots portray a more contemplative character who is waring with decision making, and then there are the more technicolor, VIBRANT, sinister shots of a seductive alternative to that character. Yin and Yang. I really like the concept that seductive is bright and shiny and not dark and seedy. While there are dark shots.... in particular the ones where Eric is wearing the veil... I like that the saturation is bumped up and you can see those bright blue eyes.

The choices we make in relationships... of all kinds... shape us as human beings. When we meet people... for 30 seconds, or for years at a time, we are always affected. The people that we decide to "shack up" with severely affect us. I once read an amazing book called "Eat Pray Love" recommended by my best friend Nikki Lanza (after my first big break up). By now every one has heard of this... but there is an amazing part of the book where the protagonist, Liz, is told that you can have multiple soul mates.... sometimes living with a soulmate is just too painful because by definition a soulmate is a mirror.  They exist in your life to show you... YOU. That stuck with me.
And that is "Listen to your Heart."

A new beginning.

Alright. So I've decided to put myself out there. Recently a customer of mine told me about this thing he does where every morning he writes 3 pages in a journal upon waking up. So I started yesterday. I like it. I've decided that I LOVE making music videos. It combines a lot of my passions and it's just so much fun. This might seem silly but it's a big deal for me because I haven't loved someTHING this much in quite a while. So.... I'm posting a lot of my videos on YOUTUBE. Please check them out and offer up any constructive criticism.