It's just one of 'dem days... x2.

Yesterday I was in a foul mood. It has lasted through today as well. Yesterday I tried to cure myself with chocolate and pizza. Today I tried working out to shake this feeling. And then I walked around alone... brewing in this awful feeling of dissatisfaction. I tried to work on some editing... thinking that some of the best art comes from depression and darkness. Well that didn't work. As a matter of fact it made the feeling worse because I'm completely underwhelmed with how I've edited thus far (the filming is great... it's the editing that is suffocating me.) And final cut is taking it's sweet time rendering my edits. It's driving me bonkers. It makes me want to scream f*ck over and over.

So then I thought I need to rid myself of this negativity. I'll blog about it. I was afraid that ever other word would be the "f bomb." And then what good would venting through cyberspace do in a blog entitled "Frank Boccia and the Search." That wouldn't be fair to place the negativity into the universe for others to absorb. It would only add guilt to this stew of emotion inside me, I thought.

So I put my headphones in my ears... and I rode the subway home. I let the rocking of the subway lull me into a restful state as I listened to the song " I need this." I let it be my prayer. These are the lyrics:

"Stop, where am I?
 Shock, I can't cry
 Pop, I need some space

No, this isn't me
Go, please let me breathe
I'll be back sooner than you know

I need this space
Just like you need it
I need this time
Time to clear up my mind

Wait, did you hear that?
Hear my heart beat
I need this feeling
Whoa yeah, I really need this

Well, I've been blind
I hope I'll be fine
Don't call me back, no

Yes, I see light
Now, it's so bright
Call my name, I'll be there soon

I need this space
Just like you need it
I need this time
Time to clear up my mind

You know it's not personal
Sorry if I'm hurting you
Please don't give up on me now
I needed this time alone
To know I could come back home
To breathe, breathe, breathe"

So I am now home. And I'm left wondering what it is that I really need. I guess that's the thing about self discovery. It's constant. And when you cross a finish line.... there's another one way ahead. 


Just last week I was feeling so grateful for all the new discoveries and passions in my life. And now less than a week later I sit depleted and feeling alone. And I have a funny feeling it's here in this place that I will grow the most. 


So what is it I need? I'm not quite sure but I open my heart in hopes of finding the "answer."