Worth fighting for

Monday night I drank a bottle of wine. I caught up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while and ended up going to bed some time around midnight. I woke up at 5 am, put on a pot of black coffee, finished a blog I began the day before, and got ready to head upstate to visit my family.

I surprised my mom by arriving so early. It was a great feeling.

My nephew arrived shortly after I did. I got to show him and my sister in law a short funny video I made about my summer vacation. Both of them were in the video. Both loved it.

And so my day with Wyatt began. With little sleep, I was determined to keep my energy high all day. So we began by playing with foam numchucks. I asked if he wanted to fight as I swung them around frivolously. Being the "lover" that he is, he was hesitant at first but caught on real quick. We brought our combat outside where we took turns being the attacker and the attackED... Only to make it more interesting I decided to jump on his tiny plastic tricycle bike thing (the name of vehicle escapes me... and it's a miracle I could even fit any way) and ride speeding down the sidewalk as he swung the nunchucks my way. It was hilarious. Once that began to tire us out, and by us I mean me, we decided to head inside where my mom was cooking us breakfast.

Wyatt volunteered the information that green grapes are his favorite grapes and so he began to eat a bundle which I washed for him. By the time he was through he complained that his belly hurt. So I rubbed my hands vehemently together (Mr. Miagi, from the Karate Kid, style) and placed them on his stomach to heal the discomfort. When I finished, I asked "All better? "With a smirk he walked back to his chair, looked me dead in the eyes, and implored, " Are you crazy?!" This sent me into a fit of laughter to which he interrupted, "NO! Are you crazy?!" The harder I laughed the more he would ask. The funny thing for me is that I know that was all my brother Scott's dry sense of humor shining through my little nephew. Wyatt knew it too. He would join in on the uproarious laughter in between each interrogation.

After breakfast, we joined up with more family and friends and went Apple picking on a farm that is fifteen minutes away from my house. Surprisingly, I've never been there before. If I have, I don't remember it.

We arrived on this farm mid morning. It resided on top of an enormous hill which overlooked the rest of the valley. There was a thick fog the likes of which you would expect in "Sleepy Hollow". The sun was doing it's best to shine through and uncover the spectacular scene being held captive behind. It was both eery and breathtaking at the same time; a scene not short of what the best dreams are made out of.

After getting out of the car, activity one was walking over to pet the horse. You know I've never been horse back riding nor have I ever really payed attention to the majestic beauty of a horse. It might as well have been a unicorn I was petting the way I was in such awe.

Then we moved onto this little Village that was built for all the children to play in. It was so cute. The only problem was that apparently a bus had just let out a hoard of screaming children of all ages. And they were racing around every where. Thankfully Wyatt was more interested in apple picking anyway.

So we began picking apples. The orchard consisted of rows and rows of trees and too many incarnations of apples to count. I felt like I was in a story book. I was very calculated on which apples to choose until I realized I was being eaten alive by mosquitos. At that point it was a free for all. "Grab any apple to fill the damn bag."

Afterwards we sat and ate homemade doughnuts and drank fresh apple cider looking out over the orchard. It was very peaceful. I became tired and ready for a nap.

So when we got home Wyatt and I put on some cartoons and laid down to take a nap. I was the only one who fell asleep. Every once in a while I would look down at Wyatt who was sprawled out on the T.V. room floor to see if he had shut his eyes yet. Never happened. Finally after letting his uncle sleep for an hour he got up and gently whispered in my ear, "Uncle Frank. I'm just not tired."I was so touched that he had let me sleep for so long. At the same time I WAS STILL SO TIRED. I knew what I had to do. "GET UP!" So I put on a pot of coffee and got up.

It was late afternoon by this point and I was fighting to keep my energy high. My mom suggested we all head down to a little park on the river. I thought that was a great idea. So we did.

Once we got to the river I was surprised to be the only people enjoying the breathtaking view and the peace of mind that it offered. The only thing Wyatt wanted to do was through rocks in the river and so we did. I observed how happy it made him throwing each rock, a different size, into the water and watching the ripples that it created. I fought to be equally as happy by each rock I through in. The sun hung low over the river almost ready to set. The light that reflected off of the water was dazzling and hypnotic. My mom sat on a nearby bench and just relaxed with her two little dogs. I thought of what happiness is to me. I thought of what happiness is to Wyatt, my 3 year old nephew.

And so I picked up another rock and threw it into the river.

And then I picked up another rock...

And another...

And another.

A history

I woke up early today got on a train to Long Beach and took my 74 year old Aunt out to a belated birthday lunch. My Aunt Mary is a character; unlike any one I've ever known. She's a combination of Mother Theresa and Samantha from Sex and the City. Generous, open minded, overbearing, over the top; she is a force of nature. I am blessed to have her in my life- a 50 minute train ride away.

We got to talking about my father's (her brother) side of the family. The side that encompasses my Italian Herritage. My dad passed away when I was a teenager. While I knew each of my 7.... Yes 7 Uncles and Aunts (5 uncles and 2 aunts) I didn't know them well. My grandfather died before I was ever born. And even though my grandmother lived in a big house adjacent from mine growing up, she spoke little English and died when I was very young.

Anyway I was telling my Aunt the few details I remember about grandma. I remember butterscotch candies and unwrapping them and the big dimly lit house where she lived. I remember liking this place. I was probably about 2 or 3.

I got into asking about my grandfather. Here I am 29 years old finally interested in my family's story.

My grandfather Gaetano moved to Brooklyn NY when he was about 17. At the time, I'm told, the Mafia was very present. My grandfather hated it. So he migrated along the river and settled in the Hudson Valley. It reminded him of where he grew up in a town called San Josepi, Italy (I believe). My aunt has been there and says the two places resemble each other with their rolling mountains and close proximity to the water. And so it was there that he found his new home. He began selling produce right out of his truck which afforded him the opportunity to travel back to Italy where he met his future wife Brigeda. My grandfathers brother who was a priest married the two. It was an intimate ceremony.



At about my age now, 29, my gradfather brought his wife back to the states. He opened his own grocery store in Beacon NY, the town in which I grew up. The store thrived. My grandmother had her first child who months after being born died of pneumonia. It was a terrible time for her, as you would imagine. She had multiple miscarriages and while visiting the local doctor she was told she would no longer be able to conceive. Grandpa did not accept this. He brought her to a specialist down in NYC. The specialist explained that stress was the problem. My grandmother was depressed and missed Italy terribly. She miraculously became pregnant and as soon as her first daughter Fortuna was born, she went back to visit. The English translation of her first daughter's name is fortunate. This is so beautiful to me. And so when she arrived back in the States she was renewed and both her and my grandfather opened a baby making factory. When all was said and done, the couple raised and sent seven children to college. That's right. The immigrant couple who spoke so little English sent seven children through college. I am amazed at this.
This is perhaps information my father has relayed when I was a teen half listening. But now that I'm focused on my path to self discovery, I am fascinated by all the details. I asked her so many specific questions about her specific memories and I was super invested in hearing all of the answers.
Today is the first time I'm experiencing a certain pride in my roots.

I look at my grandfather, a man I never met, who I am indebted to for my whole existence, and I am in awe. It gives me so much hope to know that in my blood exists that kind of drive and tenacity. Today I found a greater piece of my identity by finding out the identity of some one who's path I never crossed.

We found love in a hopeless place

I can't help the fact that I love pop music so much... especially my pop diva's. I try to be cool about it but new music just makes my blood pulse faster; makes me feel more alive.

Rihanna's new single "We found love". My dj friend Calvin introduced me to this song. Happy and fresh.

Anyway I listen to this song and reflect.

I recently got the chance to talk to to some one as introspective as I am who reminded me that "listening to your inner voice is the greatest vessel in providing grace, peace, and harmony." These days I find myself on very exciting terrain: exploring all my talents and running as far as possible with them clenched in my hands. It's easy to get lost. As a matter of fact I feel more lost than found lately. And I think it's beautiful. It's forcing me to ask so many questions. I'm changing and I can feel it. Two years ago... I was in love with a wonderful person.... and it was "enough". Though in the back of my mind I knew that I was not the person who I needed to be. I knew this deep down because any time people would ask me about me as an actor or as an artist in general I would get angry inside. I had turned my back on the creator inside of me and I was okay with it for a while, until I wasn't.

So here I am lost and kind of loving it. For the first time the relationship I'm in is with myself. And I listen to this song:


What it takes to come alive

It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny
But I’ve gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

Shine a light through an open door
Love and life I will divide
Turn away cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind......

So over the past year and half I've been figuring out how to love me best. I found love in a hopeless place.

In a year and half this is where my "Self Love Journey" took me... And to any one who knows me out there... I already know you're wondering how I could love myself ANY MORE!!!! haha.

Side note: This photo I love and add to this post. It was taken by my friends Lloyd and Gaston who were celebrating their 23rd anniversary at Xes last night. But this photo reminds me of Edvard Munch's "the Scream". It is a perfect reference for this. 

Find something you love


Step one: Search. It was the beginning of the summer of 2010. I was recently single. I had just spent half a year rehabilitating my arm after and injury at the gym. I was back in shape. And once again... lost. I remember being on the phone with my mom and recognizing that I needed to do something DIFFERENT.... anything! I didn't feel the need to walk in any given direction and was waiting for a sign. And my mom said to me "You know sometimes you don't know which way to go, you just have to take a step." So directly after the phone call I wrote an email to one of my favorite photographers Rick Day. I told him how much I admired his work and asked if it would be possible to come "intern" maybe twice a week with him and his assistant Steve. Rick got back to me that day and welcomed me to the team. As I read his response to my email, I was scared immediately. I knew this was good! So for 6 months, I would work Sunday night at my bar until 4am, wake up early Monday and go all the way downtown to Rick's studio. I got to meet very interesting people: models, make up artists, stylists, other photographers and artists, producers, and I witnessed how passionate these people were about what they did. While I began to realize photography was not my passion, I got high off of everyone else. I think it was the first time I could feel myself changing. I knew photography was not "my thing" though.


Step Two: Take another step. So as my passion for working with Rick was fading and I could feel myself getting tired of waking up early and heading downtown, I was offered the opportunity to work back stage on an off-broadway show. So I took it. I hated it immediately... but the bonus was that I was working with extremely talented people. So while I really dis-liked all the hard work that went into setting up and striking a show I was around inspiring people who constantly inspired me. 


Step Three: Listen to your inner voice. In December of 2010, I had explored two jobs that were outside my comfort zone. I was proud of myself. I had a growing desire to acquire music. I think music at this time for me was my high. I thought it would be fun to start making my own music videos. Simultaneously my boss was looking for a way to re vamp the bar I work. New Years Eve was a great night for me. I was with my co workers WORKING, not a care in the world. Being silly as ever. The door guy Luis had bought a high power flashlight that had the setting to strobe also. I thought it was so cool.I kept stealing it from him and dancing around the bar when I was supposed to be pouring drinks. The customers loved it. It was so "gay". If I could take that energy and channel it into Saturday nights.... it was sure to be a success. Let's give the bar a facelift and do something fun and different I thought. So I designed a party called "Strobe". My first music video was a promotion with the staff that I posted all over facebook. That was the first video I ever did AND I LOVED IT! I remember finishing it sometime in January at the bar and jumping up and going crazy like a little kid. By the time "Strobe" premiered at Xes in March of 2011. I had completed 4 original music videos to pop songs for use at Xes. I had posted 6 Strobe promotional videos via facebook tagging ALL of my friends.... once with a rude response asking never to be tagged again. I had repainted the inside of the bar, restrung lights, built curtain paneling to separate the space, hung lanterns, and strobe lights. I was proud of myself. 


Step Four: When you're onto something don't let go. 
The...... let's call it "up keep" for a Saturday night party is a lot of work. And so while my desire to keep promoting and expending energy on "Strobe" faded.... my desire to create music videos persisted.... in waves. I was at a low point one Saturday and some one asked me how I was and I said "Miserable." They explained to me how they write every morning upon waking. I incorporated this philosophy the very next day. And within 24 hours my perspective changed. By waking up and writing I was able to vent, analyze, and pray at the same time. It was the first time the past year had suddenly made a lot of sense and I was very quickly becoming very grateful for all of it. I began making music videos again.... that were better. That people really responded to. I decided to start a business. I decided to write a book. I began blogging. For the first time in a long time I began making hangable art. I began connecting with very talented people...one who is a song writer who's music video I am premiering next month. 


Step Five: Accept where you are and make lemonade. 
With all of this creative energy swirling about me, sometimes I get lost. I feel very different. Once a hopeless romantic searching for love, it's very rare these days that I'm even impressed  when going on a date with some one. Part of me is saddened by this and feels dare I say "jaded". The thought of being a 29 year old jaded human being kills me. But then I take a step back a realize... this is a different space for me.... one where I have the room to explore the most important person in my life- me. And so while that is not always easy for me, I have come to accept and appreciate that these days my heart is in the fridge. I suspect that one hot day (this is all a metaphor------ stay with me) i will be in the mood to open that fridge and crack it open. And the timing will be right. As for now I am content to be selfish. 


Step six: Why there are six steps I don't know. I'm Frank Boccia and that's as high as I counted today. You might have more or less. But the most important step of all in "finding love in a hopeless place"......................


Give yourself credit.

Oh the rain.

I'm not a fan of the rain, except in the summer when it's super hot. I used to say I have S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder). Now I chalk it up to being sensitive.

So much of my free time this week has been spent being creative. The only downside to doing a lot of filming and editing is that I begin to feel like a recluse. I missed a friend's fringe show... feel guilty about that. Thought it would be fun to go out for drinks after work tonight but even that doesn't seem like much fun given the weather.

It's funny how creating art can be so fulfilling and lonely at the same time.

And that my friends is the mystery of the universe.

In an earlier post... I discussed a week in which I experienced a similar funk. I kept searching for an escape. I learned that sometimes you don't know what's going to revive you and so you just "keep going".

So today, in the middle of editing, during a rain storm, I just keep going.

In 24 hours.

I was on a train yesterday at 8:00 pm. And I was thinking about the previous 24 hours and all that I got accomplished.

In 24 hours:

I had started AND FINISHED editing a video for my family about my summer vacation.
I slept 4 hours.
Woke up at 6:30 am.
Went to the bottom of Manhattan to begin filming a documentary about my friend who has a fascinating and inspiring story.
WORKED OUT HARD 45 minutes.
Had a photo shoot where I had charcoal and water splashed over me.
Got on a train to Brewster New York.
Caught up with my best friend from high school and got to see her beautiful house.
AND had a home cooked meal prepared for me! (It was amazing.)

That brought me full circle to being on the train back to New York City at 8pm. I arrived back to my apartment around 9 pm, ordered sushi, and just lounged on my couch for a bit before I retired to bed early... in my world.

I feel so grateful for making such great use of my time. I don't get the opportunity to do this always. As a matter of fact, the previous 24 hours to this story were great also.

On Monday I shot some extra scenes for the music video I have been working the past two months. And I caught up with another great friend (the star of the video) who ASKED ME TO BE HER MAN OF HONOR at her wedding!

Colleen, I am so honored that you have asked me to be such an important part of your special celebration. You and I have gone through a lot together. I'll never forget your words to me when I was learning some of the hardest lessons:

"In the depths of winter, I found there was in me and invincible summer."

To anyone reading out there, taking precious time out of your day... which sometimes can feel so brief.... as if there are not enough hours, minutes, even seconds encompassed within one: There is "an invincible summer" within all of us. It is not easy to find. It is not a destination place. But it is certainly a place worth searching for.

My body.

There was a time when working out and being in shape "filled" me with a euphoric happiness that was similar to a meditation. I'm told that when you work out, your body releases endorphins that are a chemical that literally make you happy. The gym used to make me very happy. What happens though, when you find your body not responding to working out the same that it used to... I'm not as strong as I once was. I don't have the energy that I once had. I'm not as fast and I'm definitely not as happy to be at the gym. Is my body saying something to me? And perhaps I'm just not listening?

I hurt my back yesterday working out. I thought I was doing the exercises properly but this is the SECOND TIME in 6 months that I have injured myself like this. It's funny how you get used to a certain high that you classify as healthy: a gym high. And then when you find it hard to attain this high again, you meaning ME; I get so ANGRY. 

I'm quite sure that things happen for a reason and that the universe just works. So I have listened to all the good advice on getting well coming mostly from my dancer friend Ian. And I will let myself stay away from free weights until it is safe. haha. There are times that I really feel like an old man and it's so embarrassing at 29 years old to feel this way. But then I think of the rigorous exercise I have put this body through over the years and it's no wonder that it is begging for a break. 

My guess is that sometimes our bodies, our minds, and our hearts scream out for a break, a breathe of fresh air, a moment to relax and just exist and appreciate all that is around. And when we don't listen they make themselves heard. 

A place where we relax our minds, our hearts, and our bodies... is magic.

And this is me waiting.

So I promised myself I would work on my video all afternoon. It takes time for the rendering to complete so it all has to be done in intervals. So I watched the finale of True Blood between one interval. It was very good. I almost produced a tear which was unexpected! Well done writers and actors. Worked on the video some more and then cooked breakfast. Why is it that I can not cook eggs over easy PROPERLY to save my life? I think it has happened twice in three years that I've been cooking my eggs this way where they come out perfect. 

They say practice makes perfect. Evidently this is not the case for me. 

This is me trying to wake up

I had a nice day yesterday that ended with red wine and junk food at a party my roomate was throwing in our apartment. Good times.

It was so hard for me to wake up today. I'm assuming it's in part due to the sugar that was coursing through my veins twelve hours ago which made my body crash hard. It's also probably because the weather coming into my room via my window is perfect right now. This is a beautiful early fall-ish day. NONE THE LESS. I laid there trying to will myself to get up. Coffee is helping me. 

I need to get some more editing done. After I watch the True Blood Finale! This Blog SUCKED. haha.

Shout it out!

Yesterday I had an audition for some Discovery Channel show called "Facing Trauma." It was early in the morning... which for a bar tender was 1 in the afternoon. Thankfully my friend called me before hand to wake me or I would've forgotten about it. Anyway I rushed to the audition a bit groggy from the previous night out. I had to reenact a scene from real life of a young guy who goes psycho and kills his wife. My job during the audition was to scream and be as violent as possible. Unscripted. In other words I had to go from 0 to 60 quick. I had to get dark. And it was a girl who was auditioning me. She was like " Just curse and say whatever you want." I asked if it was okay not to look at her while during this (as she was off camera anyway). She was so sweet. I couldn't see screaming the things I was about to say directly to her face...

This audition came at the end of a weird week of feeling not grounded. It was as if I didn't quite know what I wanted or needed the whole week. I thought working out would help. I thought sleep would help. I thought being artistic would help. I thought sex would help. I thought walking through the park would help. And then I got to this audition and "let it rip". I just started screaming. Screaming at the top of my lungs. I said awful things. Let the veins in my neck pop. And then the audition was over. And I walked out of the building to a beautiful day. I decided to walk home from midtown to Central Park North.

Along the way I listened to Leona Lewis Collide on repeat. "When your in unfamiliar places, count on me through life's changes." With every step I felt better and better. I think by screaming I released all the built up pressure I put on myself to "be something... "

And that's life I guess. There's gonna be bad days and good days. Weird days and then days of clarity. It's a ride and there is no right or wrong. The best you can do is keep trucking on. Don't stop exploring.

Beacsue sometimes your release comes from something you never would've expected.

Sometimes you score when you don't score.

I'm back in NYC.

I got back from Long Beach Island on Saturday from what might have been one of the most relaxing vacations I have ever been on. I was even excited to come back to NY, to my home, my friends, even the bar where I work.

That lasted for about a day. It feels as though the rain brought the reality with it... the reality that that euphoric feeling doesn't last forever.

The past 48 hours have been for me a roller coaster of highs and lows.

One of the highs involved my friend introducing me to Wix Lounge.... this place where creative people hang out to work on projects. We went together and called it our "office". It filled me with a sense of purpose and got me out of my apartment in that torrential rain storm we had yesterday. I also had a great work out... which always helps to elevate my moods. This was not the case Monday. Monday I had an awful work out and then got called into work on account of my co worker being sick. This brought with it a cloud that hung thick over my head until I literally rounded the corner two hours  prior to work and bumped into an old "friend". By old "friend" I mean some one I have hooked up with before. Therefore I offered to take them to dinner before I started. It was pleasant. The cloud began to dissipate. I thought I was going to get laid. Nope. The Cloud reformed... this time with a banner that read "Loser."

So I let myself feel like a Loser. After all, if no one ever felt like they were losing maybe no one would ever push themselves to win.

I have to work all night tonight but I thought I'd lounge around my apt. since it's so gross outside. I watched one of my favorite movies "Gattaca." The premise is that sometimes you are born with all odds against you and you still win. The inverse is true as well. Sometimes you are born with the odds on your side and you still fail because after all... fate is not something that can be predicted. I find myself today feeling somewhere in the middle: I feel like I am blessed with a healthy number of talents and attributes and yet sometimes the desire for the pursuit is not inside me ... certainly not today at least.

But then again maybe so many of us feel somewhere "in the middle" of it all. Right around ever corner is an "opportunity". Sometimes things don't go the way we plan. That doesn't mean we are in fact losers. Maybe life is like Cable television. My guess is that there's just a better channel that we need to be watching. Looking for a different kind of opportunity. A different kind of happiness.

But to each his own.