Sometimes the earth moves to move us.

There was an earthquake in NYC today. I was in the subway on my way downtown. I had no idea it even occurred. It wasn't until I was at the barber at approximately 2 pm that we all heard about it over the radio.  Facebook was a buzz with the news as well.

Later, every one at the bar was talking about this. Some buildings were evacuated, the Holland Tunnel was closed multiple times, and flights were cancelled. Some people explained it as a feeling of vertigo. One of my friends said he wasn't too worried evacuating his building until he saw the high heels scattered down the stairwell.

And this got me to thinking. What if. What if it was worse?

Sometimes bad things happen... even to good people. And when I really sat back and thought of the potential an earthquake could've had on NYC... I was so grateful that it wasn't worse.

I finished work around 10 pm and went to eat a wrap nearby. There were two women chatting about motherhood and the stress of it all. Bu they were doing it in a funny way so I couldn't help but eavesdrop. The one mother was saying "I'm just so tired. I'm not a Robot. They never realized how much I did for them and now I just don't have the energy." The two women were venting in the most lovingly way and laughing here and there about it. And this got me to thinking about children.

Being a dad was always part of my fantasy as a teenager. I loved kids... being that I was the youngest of four boys I never really got to even hold a baby until I was a teenager. And kids have always thought I was funny. So naturally I just always assumed I would want a family one day.

And I'll never forget the whole "coming out of the closet thing" and battling with feelings of being unworthy of having a family. I was lucky to have amazing family, friends, and even faculty during this process. I was in college and I asked one of my professors who I adored (Dawn) if she thought it would be okay to one day bring up a child with another man. And she said of course. I'll never forget what a non- issue it was for her. As a matter of fact her daughter who was just under my age had had a best friend with two dads. It was an important moment in my life where my consciousness began to shift. And I ultimately learned to just love me for me and feel the worthiness of everything I could ever want.

And then I fell in love. And the things that I experienced and endured were beyond what I could've imagined. Falling in love is like holding an extremely powerful mirror up to your soul. You see sides of yourself you never saw before. You learn and with luck you grow and you don't regret a second of it.

And while I was learning about my own love. My brother and his wife were having their very first baby. I'll never forget how beautiful he was when I got to hold him at the hospital. I was so excited to be an uncle. And then reality slowly crept in. The reality that this was a life to be responsible for and to care for. A life that needed to be fed, and held, and loved, that keeps you up all night sometimes. My sister in law "lost" so much sleep. That thought alone terrified me. In babysitting for them, I began to learn a little about the momentous responsibility having a child is. And for the first time I was turned off to the idea.

I was speaking to this same brother a few days ago (it's now five years later and he has three children) and he was telling me about his son learning to ice skate. He was watching him have so much trouble just standing on skates and no matter what he wouldn't give up on trying. No matter what he was determined to skate and by the end of their time at the rink he could skate at a decent speed with out falling. My brother was so proud. And my nephew knew it. It was beautiful.

Also just two weeks ago on my last visit upstate I got to babysit my other brother's son who is three. I took him and my mom to lunch on the river. I colored with him as we ordered food. It was a beautiful day and I had my arm around his chair and I thought to myself, "I bet people think this is my kid." And this thought made me happy.

Anyway what I'm saying is that it was nice to open up to the idea even if it was just for a minute... to realize that maybe there are things worth sacrificing for... not just children.... but relationships.... dreams.... traveling.... Sometimes these things involve sacrifice. And more often than not... the sacrifices are worth it.

Today the earth shook. It shook the city... and it shook me... without me even realizing it.

So now I'm shaking you.

It's just one of 'dem days... x2.

Yesterday I was in a foul mood. It has lasted through today as well. Yesterday I tried to cure myself with chocolate and pizza. Today I tried working out to shake this feeling. And then I walked around alone... brewing in this awful feeling of dissatisfaction. I tried to work on some editing... thinking that some of the best art comes from depression and darkness. Well that didn't work. As a matter of fact it made the feeling worse because I'm completely underwhelmed with how I've edited thus far (the filming is great... it's the editing that is suffocating me.) And final cut is taking it's sweet time rendering my edits. It's driving me bonkers. It makes me want to scream f*ck over and over.

So then I thought I need to rid myself of this negativity. I'll blog about it. I was afraid that ever other word would be the "f bomb." And then what good would venting through cyberspace do in a blog entitled "Frank Boccia and the Search." That wouldn't be fair to place the negativity into the universe for others to absorb. It would only add guilt to this stew of emotion inside me, I thought.

So I put my headphones in my ears... and I rode the subway home. I let the rocking of the subway lull me into a restful state as I listened to the song " I need this." I let it be my prayer. These are the lyrics:

"Stop, where am I?
 Shock, I can't cry
 Pop, I need some space

No, this isn't me
Go, please let me breathe
I'll be back sooner than you know

I need this space
Just like you need it
I need this time
Time to clear up my mind

Wait, did you hear that?
Hear my heart beat
I need this feeling
Whoa yeah, I really need this

Well, I've been blind
I hope I'll be fine
Don't call me back, no

Yes, I see light
Now, it's so bright
Call my name, I'll be there soon

I need this space
Just like you need it
I need this time
Time to clear up my mind

You know it's not personal
Sorry if I'm hurting you
Please don't give up on me now
I needed this time alone
To know I could come back home
To breathe, breathe, breathe"

So I am now home. And I'm left wondering what it is that I really need. I guess that's the thing about self discovery. It's constant. And when you cross a finish line.... there's another one way ahead. 


Just last week I was feeling so grateful for all the new discoveries and passions in my life. And now less than a week later I sit depleted and feeling alone. And I have a funny feeling it's here in this place that I will grow the most. 


So what is it I need? I'm not quite sure but I open my heart in hopes of finding the "answer."

I had a dream

I don't remember a lot of my dreams. But I woke up this morning and I was out of bread and juice. So as I was walking to the grocery store I remembered parts of it.

I had a pet bird. It was bright yellow, cute, and fluffy like a little easter chick... (This reminds me when I was in kindergarden and we used to incubate little chickens. It was so exciting when they hatched.) Anyway I kept the little bird in a "cage" that was a slightly larger version of itself.... accept the larger version looked like a pinata (how do you get the ~ over the n?) Anyway I was worried about the little fluffy yellow birdie living in a slightly larger version of itself. My roommate assured me that he was fine.

Truthfully in this dream I was a little frightened by this delicate little bird (in real life I am not at all afraid of birds or little fluffy animals).... My roommate took him out for a bit and then when it was time to put him back in his home.... I some how felt a new courage to befriend him. So i had him jump on my finger and I gently pet him before I put him back in his "slightly larger version of himself cage" which resided on the top shelf of my closet.

And now in rereading about this simple little dream I'm wondering if there's a parallel to my life here. Perhaps I've been afraid to live in a slightly "larger" version of myself... and maybe... just maybe I'm now cozying up to the idea.

After a night of drinking...

So I went out last night with one of my best friends for a casual night on the town. It's been a while since I drank and therefore my recovery this morning was a slow one. The older I get and the less I drink the more "affected" I become when I drink... I get drunk fast and my hangovers are strong.

I don't really mind this.

I woke up just about every hour to pee and drink and glass of water. My head was pounding all morning. I was grateful that my room was freezing... thank you a.c. When I finally decided I got 8 hours of sleep (just before noon) I popped two Excedrin. I then had a strong cup of coffee and began my resuscitation. I flossed, very carefully brushed my teeth, 'listerined extra long, took an oatmeal bath.... where I saturated my face in oatmeal, had a nice cold glass of water while relaxing in this bath.... listening to "how to love" (by lil wayne) on loop (very chill song), then finished with a cold shower, grabbed an ice cube and rubbed it around my face to tighten my pores and refresh me, then cooked breakfast ( aka 'nuked some oatmeal with berries and drank three egg whites).

All this I did to reboot. It seems like such an extensive process... curing my hangover. I guess it is. Some people might grab some greasy food and call it a day but I secretly love this whole process. Probably because I love resurrection. The idea that you can put yourself through hell and heal. And it's a small miracle. And life is this small miracle... or a big miracle...

I guess what I'm trying to say in being so open about my ritual is: Embrace the small miracles.

I feel happy and relaxed.

Today is Monday August 15, 2011. I had such a busy weekend last week with my video shoot and then this week I worked a good amount. I'm off today and feeling so relaxed and happy. Here's a list of plausible reasons that I'm feeling so good:

3 highly caffeinated cups of coffee are flowing through my blood right now.
I have some beautiful footage that I'm in the midst of editing (slowly but surely).
The girl at the grocery store laughed at my "it's not me... it's you" t- shirt.
I have a fridge stocked full of coke zero.
IT JUST BEGAN TO THUNDERSTORM and I am INSIDE watching!
I am going to make 3 cheese tortellini and meatballs for dinner!!!! YUM! (Thanks Wes for introducing this upgrade from thin spaghetti.... though I love thin spaghetti)
Beyonce was singing "I was here" at the peak of my caffeine high.
My laundry is done.
My apt. is CLEAN.
My room is ORGANIZED and redecorated.
I think I may have learned balance between working out and getting other stuff done.
I made a cool hanging sculpture/ chandelier out of all my old headphones. (Thanks Willie for the idea!)
I get to watch True Blood in a little while.... last weeks episode was EPIC!!!

So I feel good.

And some how feeling this way makes me reflect back on the past... and makes me feel so grateful for the things, people, places, and love I have experienced. I almost feel bad to express my gratitude. But I wish this feeling for every one. And it is very possible for every one to feel this way.

I sit looking out my bedroom window at the terencial rain and the way the sky is so bright even though it's raining. The sun is making every effort to burst through the ominous clouds and is succeeding. It is magic. This moment for me is magic. And I can't help but feel that on some level... in my life... I am succeeding as well.

Nerves are good.

At least that's what I'm telling myself.

In under two weeks I am embarking on my biggest music video project to date. I've enlisted help from some of the most talented people I know. I have Will Pailen writing and singing the music that tells the story of "The End of All Things". He is brilliant.  He has come up with a song that is everything I asked it to be! It's really going to help me tell this story... the premise being this: humanity is so overstimulated by technology, the substances that we ingest, that we have evolved into gods. Unfortunately when this happens, the very thing that makes us human (our soul) is lost... and because we have no soul we have no desire for love... and therefore we slowly die off. This video will depict.... the last man and woman. Colleen Katana (this beautiful multitalented friend of mine.... photographer, writer, actress, singer) will be portraying the last god-woman. She will be fierce. I hired a make up artist who I recently worked with on a shoot. Her name is Tiffany Garlick. I liked her style and the make up she did for the ladies on set was off the hook. So I'm sure she's going to break it down! I knew I'd need extra help for this over night shoot. We'll be doing interior shots from midnight on and then we need to shoot exteriors as the sun is rising. So I've hired one of the most capable people I know.... my friend Brian Kalinowski to be my assistant director. I trust him with my first born, if I had a first born.

So I have been lucky enough to gather a team of really amazing people. This places the rest of it up to me. I guess I am so excited that my nerves are creeping up. There's this feeling of "I don't want to let any body down." So I thought I'd be ballsy and say it out in the universe. "I am scared." I feel like I'm onto something big here. I will also say this out into the universe. "I will not run from this fear." I am forking out a lot of time, energy, and money to create this. And why? The answer is simple. I love this. I have found something I love doing. If no one ever sees the videos or likes the videos " I can live with that." Mostly I don't want to let myself down.

So I will put this out into the universe too. I ask what ever is out there to help me suspend my belief in myself. And remind my heart of all the reasons I'll ever need to keep the faith in me. "I do this because I love it. I love the music. I love telling a story. I love the styling. I love the concept of "living art" through video. LOVE. If I hold onto that feeling. I can not fail. I will not fail."

If I'm gonna be an artist then I'm gonna get messy.

So life has been amazing lately. This is mainly because I have opened up to my potential to create. I feel like I've been ignoring it for a while. It's interesting how energy seems to grab momentum. All this creative energy started in the winter as I bought this new computer in hopes of making "little music videos". I decided to use my first one as a marketing tool for the bar I work Xes. I called this video "Strobe". You can find it on my youtube channel if you haven't seen it already (I tagged about a thousand people via facebook). I WILL NEVER forget the high I experienced when I finished it. I was working on it at the bar with my earphones in for a couple hours sitting ignoring every one around me..... when finally I had it how I wanted. I pressed play which cued my victory dance... a sharp jolting series of movements that resembled some one who was possessed by the devil... or perhaps it was god in this case.

And so slowly but surely I made more videos. And each time I made one they got better. Until after a while I began to get bored again. And I began to feel lost again... until I told some one that was not happy and they encouraged me to write down how I felt. So I began to vent and to pray. And very quickly I became inspired again. Only this time I can't seem to stop finding new and exciting ways to express this creativity. The more time I spend letting myself dream and make things, the more ideas I have. I'm making two genres of music videos.... those that are dark and expressive and those that remind me of how important family and life is. I'm writing a book that at times I find myself laughing out loud at the silly things and ways I write, and just recently I started making collages. This new hobby began because there was a GIANT ORANGE dumpster in between my bedroom window and my view of the park. "What an eye soar" I thought.... for days. Until a few days ago I decided "well at least the color is cool. I'm going to take a picture of it." I began a leisurely walk through the park except I could not stop thinking of the picture I took. So I went back and took more. As I was shooting, I immediately realized I wanted to turn this into art. "How ironic," I thought, "That my perception shifted so dramatically and so quickly." And so that became the subject of this work.

I decided to hang the triptych I made out of the dumpster photos today. I wanted to integrate it seamlessly into the existing art I had hanging on my wall. I couldn't figure out how to do that. "If only I could have as much fun arranging these as I did making this latest work." And then, "Why don't you?" popped into my head. So I grabbed some spray paint and began to spray the walls. What I stupidly did not anticipate was that the paint would circulate through out the room dusting EVERYTHING in it's path. I soon realized that I was spraying my entire world. I frantically grabbed wet rags and began scrubbing as best I could. It was an ARDUOS process. As the sweat poured from my brows, my world was being snowed on by the most electrifying tint of blue... and then I realized, "Let it be." I will be happy to put forth my best efforts to clean what I can of this beautiful mess, inhale these awful fumes.... because I am an artist... and I am ready to open my world up to some mess in the name of art.

Amen.