#

I started a video blog months ago which was intended to chronicle my shoulder surgery. Unfortunately recovery wasn't everything I hoped it would be. As my surgeon recently explained to me, my expectations were completely unrealistic.

In the past six months, I have made several attempts at explaining my rehabilitation. Anger and frustration surfaced with each reflection. The simple truth is that I just wanted to be back to normal. I wanted to be back in shape, feeling healthy, happy, strong, and fulfilled. More often than not, I felt tired, cranky, bored, and utterly weak. And since I placed myself esteem in the hands of my reflection my self worth diminished.

I think that miracles happen every second of every day. You have to keep your eyes and heart open to them though because if they go unacknowledged life quickly becomes dull.

Today I rode to the end of Long Beach Island with my boyfriend. It was so peaceful and quiet. We talked about what amenities a vacation house would need if we ever had the money.

As I rode, I became aware of the peace that existed along the ride. And I became aware of the     pleasure that Michael's presence brought to me.

I'm stating the obvious here but the kid with the "patience" tattoo has NO PATIENCE. And over the last six months I selfishly wanted to be anywhere other than where I was.

Today there is no place on earth that I want to be other than where I am. I just wanted to take a moment to be grateful and acknowledge all the events that brought me here because I feel very lucky.

The Position of Success

A few weeks ago I dreamed that I was chatting with a group of intellectuals from the past. I remember the colors of the dream were so vibrant: hues of gold and blue. I also remember liking these gentlemen very much. One of them shared with me a few words of wisdom. In the dream, it took me a few moments to process what he said. When I awoke, it took me about ten minutes to remember his words. After pacing up and down my hallway at 3 am the words finally appeared to me:

"The position of success is not always defined by the success of your position."

What an interesting way the universe has of reminding us the things we need to be reminded about.

I had shoulder surgery over a month ago. I had, what felt like, too much time on my hands. My body felt weak and my mind felt utterly unfocused. Thoughts of "What if" inundated my mind. More often than not... the thoughts were of failure. Fear seemed to permeate much of what I thought about. And overall I just felt sorry for myself... WHICH I HATE.

It's very easy to get lost down a path where you forget who you are.

And then one day you're reminded again.

I sat yesterday in Los Angeles waiting for a bus to Santa Monica. I waited for over an hour. For some reason the time passed quickly... maybe in part because it was such a beautiful day outside. I sat thinking about my life: about my current position. I thought about my dream and the wise words of the intellectuals.

A year ago if you had told me I would be staying in a luxury hotel in Santa Monica because I was filming a charity event on the Santa Monica Pier I would have... I guess I would have been surprised. Perhaps not that surprised, as I was devoting most of my time to exploring the world of video.

None the less, it's funny the positions we wind up in.

Days before coming to The West Coast for the first time in my life (aside from a pit stop at the airport on my way to Australia) I found myself walking on the Highline in NYC. As I descended the stairs, my friend looked into the window of this giant gallery space. He asked if I wanted to check it out. I was hesitant but something inside of me said, "You have nothing to lose."

Inside the gallery, there were massive dramatic paintings with animal sculls and children yelling. There was poetry ingrained in each painting. The poems were in brail and displayed to the left of each work for those of us who could not read them.

Towards the far corner of the gallery there existed a room with only the brail poems displayed on canvases. They were spattered with fingerprints from all of the people reading them. My favorite was entitled "The Edge". Here's what it said:


On the edge of happiness I discovered freedom first. Encouraged to Flourish.


As I walked out I caught the artist's name. Roy Nachum. The Exhibit was entitled "Open your eyes."

Open your eyes.

TMI Episode 3

TMI Episode 2

TMI Episode 1.

When you're not looking...

I'm sitting at my computer with so many mixed feelings about my life this past month. 

I'm finding it hard to find the words to say what I'm feeling.

A month ago, I was content. I was quickly on my way, in my mind at least, to becoming a great director and editor. I was collaborating with creative people who challenged and inspired me. I was focused. I had my eye on the prize. 

And then I was asked out to lunch. And things changed.

I met someone who made me feel like all things are possible. Some one who I never expected to have so much in common with who literally made my heart jump out of my chest. Some one who with one look became the undoing of my content little world behind my camera.                      Some one who belonged to some one else.

I found myself in quite a pickle. 

It's as though I opened a door into my future and watched a happiness I could never have imagined unfold. A happiness that was logically never going to happen given the circumstances. My eyes beamed. And my heart raced. For a moment, I let myself believe that it was meant to be... when I knew deep down the timing was not right. With every fiber of my being I wanted desperately to walk though and fall into whatever mess ensued. Inches away from falling... I opted to shut the door. 

Sometimes when you're not looking, a gray sky will open up, even just for a brief moment, and the sun's rays will shine down. It's pure magic. 

And sometimes in life, even in a busy city like New York, it is possible to fall in love, even just for a moment. 

Sometimes impressions are lasting. Like tattoos. And today, as the tears role down my cheeks and I think of all that "could have been" I stop to take a good look at my right arm. 

I closed that door, not because I don't believe in love. Because I do believe in love. 

It's not easy for me to be patient. But when I wasn't looking the sky opened up and reminded me how blessed I am and how capable I am of feeling things I thought I couldn't feel again. 

So today, as sad as I am, I smile. Because I know that when I'm not looking... another door will open.

a dream

I'm antsy tonight.

I have to wake early tomorrow for another video shoot with the fabulous Bianca Jade. None the less I sit in my quiet apartment drinking the remnants of a bottle of red wine I bought a week ago; thinking about so much.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago. The long short of it is that I was on a cliff over looking a gigantic pond. And with out a second thought I jumped into the pond. I was with friends that were hesitant but I ran past them and jumped anyway. It wasn't until I was in mid air that I became aware of how unlike me it was to "just jump". I quickly became aware of the situation and the possible danger that might ensue. And suddenly things occurred in slow motion. As I fell towards the abyss of water I wasn't afraid. I eventually plunged into the water and motion resumed in normal time. However, I was further towards the middle of the massive pond than I ever expected to be. It was eerily quiet. There were creatures beneath the water. I could sense them. I was now afraid and away from my friends who were safe on the cliff which from my new vantage point revealed a tunnel underneath. I swam towards the tunnel as fast as I could back to safety. As afraid as I was I would not classify this whole dream experience as a nightmare.

When I awoke I was happy.

And now in recalling the whole dream I am aware of the beautiful metaphor it revealed.

If I had never had the courage to jump off the cliff, I would have never known about the tunnel underneath.

In life, often times, if not most of the time, you never know where you'll end up. Some times you need to take risks to uncover paths you never saw before.

So why not jump?