When you're not looking...

I'm sitting at my computer with so many mixed feelings about my life this past month. 

I'm finding it hard to find the words to say what I'm feeling.

A month ago, I was content. I was quickly on my way, in my mind at least, to becoming a great director and editor. I was collaborating with creative people who challenged and inspired me. I was focused. I had my eye on the prize. 

And then I was asked out to lunch. And things changed.

I met someone who made me feel like all things are possible. Some one who I never expected to have so much in common with who literally made my heart jump out of my chest. Some one who with one look became the undoing of my content little world behind my camera.                      Some one who belonged to some one else.

I found myself in quite a pickle. 

It's as though I opened a door into my future and watched a happiness I could never have imagined unfold. A happiness that was logically never going to happen given the circumstances. My eyes beamed. And my heart raced. For a moment, I let myself believe that it was meant to be... when I knew deep down the timing was not right. With every fiber of my being I wanted desperately to walk though and fall into whatever mess ensued. Inches away from falling... I opted to shut the door. 

Sometimes when you're not looking, a gray sky will open up, even just for a brief moment, and the sun's rays will shine down. It's pure magic. 

And sometimes in life, even in a busy city like New York, it is possible to fall in love, even just for a moment. 

Sometimes impressions are lasting. Like tattoos. And today, as the tears role down my cheeks and I think of all that "could have been" I stop to take a good look at my right arm. 

I closed that door, not because I don't believe in love. Because I do believe in love. 

It's not easy for me to be patient. But when I wasn't looking the sky opened up and reminded me how blessed I am and how capable I am of feeling things I thought I couldn't feel again. 

So today, as sad as I am, I smile. Because I know that when I'm not looking... another door will open.