Life takes so many unexpected turns. Things you never think could happen do.
Lately I don't feel like I have much to say and at the same time I have one million thoughts buzzing around in my head. It's as if I've kept myself so creatively busy that I get a little lost at times. I think that's part of finding out who you really are... getting lost. This is a theme that I constantly revisit in my life. I'm either doing something right or VERY wrong. Haha. My money is on very right!
Yesterday I had a shoot and I lost my temper on set. It felt awful. And looking back, had I done some things differently, like arrived sooner, I would've been calmer and more focused. But I guess this is me learning. So I will just have to make up for it in editing and the final product. I will deliver that much.
I'm beginning to understand why in movies they say when you do well in work, your personal life falls apart. Not that my personal life is falling apart but sometimes I feel swamped by my work. AND I LOVE what I do so it's okay. I also feel the pressure to produce great work for my clients... I would imagine this is an asset. But more than anything, I'm learning that balance is hard. But slowly I'm getting better at it. I sleep less and get more done in a day.... KNOCK ON WOOD. I'll probably have a week spell of wanting to sleep 24/ 7 now.
And when your focus is on great work it magically takes the pressure off romance. And I've always been a romantic but it feels a little as though that is shifting. When I saw the McQueen collection at the Met I remember reading a quote from him right as I entered about how the only way he was able to create or even be an artist was because he was a romantic. I took such solace in that thought. I thought that maybe that is my strength too; that I believe in love being THE THING that fuels us all.
I took my 75 year old aunt out to lunch on Valentines day. She gave me a card that had this written on it.... I'm sure you've heard it before but it really made sense for the first time for me:
"What if I could speak all languages of humans and of angels?
If I did not love others, I would be nothing more than a noisy gong
or a clanging cymbal.
What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all knowledge?
And what if I had faith that moved mountains?
I would be nothing, unless I loved others.
What if I gave away all that I owned and let myself be burned alive?
I would gain nothing unless I loved others."
Corinthians 13: 1-7
The part about faith really moves me because I spent so much of my life, especially the coming out part, understanding how important faith (the belief and reassurance even when you don't have the tangible evidence) is in life. In the list of the great things and accomplishments in my life.... loving is the greatest. That is honestly how I feel and I am grateful.
Maybe that is why it is such a new space for me to be living in... this space of being content in my work.
THAT SAID...
In the middle of all this great work, I had two coffee/ dinner dates last month. I went out of my way to approach two people separately at the gym. Perhaps that was my first mistake. Both guys were seemingly beautiful. The long short of the story is that they were at best: just okay dates. And I remember thinking, well at least I went out of my way to "try." I also remember thinking " I'm not going to reach out again. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and some one will reach out to me when the time is right."
Well I have sat back, content in my work, and I was recently asked out to lunch. I had the best time ever. It was so easy and amazing. Of course the cherry on the Sunday is that they are taken. But my brain cannot stop thinking about the whole experience and mostly about how easy it all was. It's stirred up so many questions inside of me.... What do you do when you meet some one who makes you feel like all things are possible and they are with some one else? Normally I bow out peacefully. But my mind is racing....
And the serendipity of it is I just downloaded a new album by the band Fun.. It lead me to a song that paints perfectly how I feel about this situation:
Out on the Town
I set all my regrets on fireCause I know I'll never take the timeTo unpack my misstepsOr call all of our friendsI figured they would take your side
I make the bed, just not that wellYour name comes up a lotWhen I talk to my momOh I think she can tell
I was out on the townSo I came to your window last nightI tried not to throw stonesBut I wanted to come insideNow I'm causing a sceneThinking you need a reason to smileOh no, what have I done?There is no one to keep me warm
So maybe I should put out the fireCall them back and borrow a box knifeSo I can learn to live with all the stupid shitI've been doing since '99
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/out-on-the-town-lyrics-fun.html ]And I know I can be more cleverAnd I know I can be more strongBut I'm waiting for the dayYou'll come back and say"Hey, maybe I should change my mind"
I drink a lotI'm not sure if that's newBut these days when I wake upFrom a night I forgotI just wish that it'd never came true
I knew there'd come a dayWhen all was said and doneWhen everything I wasIs everything but goneAll my big mistakesAre bouncing off your wallThe bottles never breakThe sun will never comeSo come on let me inI will be the sunI will wake you upI am who I wasJust open up your heart
Copied from MetroLyrics.com
Download the album!!!!! It's so good!
Sigh.
Another sigh.
And then I got asked out by some one else who I know nothing about and I agreed...
with the hope that
"at least I will try".
Lately I don't feel like I have much to say and at the same time I have one million thoughts buzzing around in my head. It's as if I've kept myself so creatively busy that I get a little lost at times. I think that's part of finding out who you really are... getting lost. This is a theme that I constantly revisit in my life. I'm either doing something right or VERY wrong. Haha. My money is on very right!
Yesterday I had a shoot and I lost my temper on set. It felt awful. And looking back, had I done some things differently, like arrived sooner, I would've been calmer and more focused. But I guess this is me learning. So I will just have to make up for it in editing and the final product. I will deliver that much.
I'm beginning to understand why in movies they say when you do well in work, your personal life falls apart. Not that my personal life is falling apart but sometimes I feel swamped by my work. AND I LOVE what I do so it's okay. I also feel the pressure to produce great work for my clients... I would imagine this is an asset. But more than anything, I'm learning that balance is hard. But slowly I'm getting better at it. I sleep less and get more done in a day.... KNOCK ON WOOD. I'll probably have a week spell of wanting to sleep 24/ 7 now.
And when your focus is on great work it magically takes the pressure off romance. And I've always been a romantic but it feels a little as though that is shifting. When I saw the McQueen collection at the Met I remember reading a quote from him right as I entered about how the only way he was able to create or even be an artist was because he was a romantic. I took such solace in that thought. I thought that maybe that is my strength too; that I believe in love being THE THING that fuels us all.
I took my 75 year old aunt out to lunch on Valentines day. She gave me a card that had this written on it.... I'm sure you've heard it before but it really made sense for the first time for me:
"What if I could speak all languages of humans and of angels?
If I did not love others, I would be nothing more than a noisy gong
or a clanging cymbal.
What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all knowledge?
And what if I had faith that moved mountains?
I would be nothing, unless I loved others.
What if I gave away all that I owned and let myself be burned alive?
I would gain nothing unless I loved others."
Corinthians 13: 1-7
The part about faith really moves me because I spent so much of my life, especially the coming out part, understanding how important faith (the belief and reassurance even when you don't have the tangible evidence) is in life. In the list of the great things and accomplishments in my life.... loving is the greatest. That is honestly how I feel and I am grateful.
Maybe that is why it is such a new space for me to be living in... this space of being content in my work.
THAT SAID...
In the middle of all this great work, I had two coffee/ dinner dates last month. I went out of my way to approach two people separately at the gym. Perhaps that was my first mistake. Both guys were seemingly beautiful. The long short of the story is that they were at best: just okay dates. And I remember thinking, well at least I went out of my way to "try." I also remember thinking " I'm not going to reach out again. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and some one will reach out to me when the time is right."
Well I have sat back, content in my work, and I was recently asked out to lunch. I had the best time ever. It was so easy and amazing. Of course the cherry on the Sunday is that they are taken. But my brain cannot stop thinking about the whole experience and mostly about how easy it all was. It's stirred up so many questions inside of me.... What do you do when you meet some one who makes you feel like all things are possible and they are with some one else? Normally I bow out peacefully. But my mind is racing....
And the serendipity of it is I just downloaded a new album by the band Fun.. It lead me to a song that paints perfectly how I feel about this situation:
Out on the Town
I set all my regrets on fireCause I know I'll never take the timeTo unpack my misstepsOr call all of our friendsI figured they would take your side
I make the bed, just not that wellYour name comes up a lotWhen I talk to my momOh I think she can tell
I was out on the townSo I came to your window last nightI tried not to throw stonesBut I wanted to come insideNow I'm causing a sceneThinking you need a reason to smileOh no, what have I done?There is no one to keep me warm
So maybe I should put out the fireCall them back and borrow a box knifeSo I can learn to live with all the stupid shitI've been doing since '99
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/out-on-the-town-lyrics-fun.html ]And I know I can be more cleverAnd I know I can be more strongBut I'm waiting for the dayYou'll come back and say"Hey, maybe I should change my mind"
I drink a lotI'm not sure if that's newBut these days when I wake upFrom a night I forgotI just wish that it'd never came true
I knew there'd come a dayWhen all was said and doneWhen everything I wasIs everything but goneAll my big mistakesAre bouncing off your wallThe bottles never breakThe sun will never comeSo come on let me inI will be the sunI will wake you upI am who I wasJust open up your heart
Copied from MetroLyrics.com
Download the album!!!!! It's so good!
Sigh.
Another sigh.
And then I got asked out by some one else who I know nothing about and I agreed...
with the hope that
"at least I will try".
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